lightning

It was raining heavily on that Friday, 9th of May 2014. The sound of thunder roared through the heavens above and lightning illuminated the darkened atmosphere of Shah Alam. The time was around 5.30 pm and the lights in the house blacked out; I knew that the result was going to be released via email at 7 pm Malaysian time (12 noon in the UK). Then I remembered that my little brother Irfan was scared of lightning. When Irfan was a toddler, he would startle when he sees flashes of bright light during a heavy downpour. So I went downstairs to stay with my little brother in the dark.. at least, if he's scared, he has someone next to him.

Source: click me

While waiting for the rain to subside, I can't help worrying and thinking about the revelation which was about to come. The thought of facing the whole 5th Year all over again was too daunting for me to comprehend. Then I suddenly remembered a verse in the chapter, Thunder (Ar-Ra'd, 13). I decided to have a look at it when the power's back on.

hold on, we're going home

It has been a really tough week for the 91 of us. The OSCEs: All Stars weren't easy but we made it through the week. Now, it's just the wait for the revelation.

And I'm flying home this Friday for my elective period which I have been fighting for persistently since 4th Year. I definitely earned this trip to go back home..I fought 3 times for it well, 4 if you include the Finals:

1. Obs and Gynae MACCS (Mandatory Assessment of Core Clinical Skills) resit

2. May 2013 - Obs and Gynae resits

3. Nov 2013 - Paeds resit

Yeah, my journey has not been that smooth. I survived all of the above and managed to secure my elective period. Sure, I eventually lost a few weeks due to #FebFinals but at least, I'm still going home, alhamdulillah.

Just need to hold on...

defying gravity

I promised myself that I will never forget what happened in May 2013..

On that Monday, the exam week began with a double online exam challenge. After the exam, I was so worried that I fail them..which then revealed to be my double distinction for the Specials module. That was awesome, alhamdulillah!

On that Wednesday, it was the most difficult exam day thus far. 3 Knowledge exams of different specialties on 1 day & I had my first ever panic attack - and I shall always remember that experience.

On that Thursday, I disguised myself in an OSCE for the first time ever because if I were to get my Psychiatry Consultant who was really mean to me as an examiner; he wouldn't recognise me.

Finally on that Friday, in the resit for Obs and Gynae Skills exam; halfway through the 4 stations, I actually believed that I have a fighting chance to move on to Final Year. 

And that's exactly what happened.

It's the story of self-doubt and the need to believe in yourself

This Revision Week is not that helpful. It's actually causing more stress to not only me but to a whole lot of other people. Please pray for us. Second chances don't come that often...

just the two of us

Tonight whilst at S's house.

W: "Sedar tak? In the next 3 weeks, it will be just the 2 of us. Pastu, resits. Scary tak?"

S: (having a sudden realization) "Scary jugak la"

W: "Itula kannn..."

here we go again

Hello everyone,

My name's Adlan Wafi Ramli and I recently experienced failures for the second time.

But somehow, I'm pretty calm for a few reasons:
1. being me
2. I asked a few friends to make du'a so Allah will give me peace and serenity when the revelation day was approaching
3. Cause I quite like the idea of redeeming myself

Now, let's hear this story of mine this time around. Firstly, I would like to apologize that I'm writing another post about failures for a second time. I was pretty confident that "don't dream it's over" would be the the last one (currently, it is the 4th most viewed post of all time on this blog and I didn't have to put it up on FB like I usually do).

Last Friday, 7.3.14

Just need to do a shout out to my mutarabbi, that we had usrah on the night before Revelation Day. And you guys definitely took away my anxiety. So, thank you. I really appreciate the time you spent with me. So, apa lagi, jom join usrah!

It was a really good day. I managed to cut my nails as its sunnah, even had time to perform duha prayer between lectures because I didn't do any of these when I left home in the morning cause I was in a hurry. Me, Syakir & Hosni went to the results room to get our envelopes. Yeah, for Finals, each one of us have our own envelopes.

The envelope

The initial plan was not to open it up since I was going on a hiking trip with my usrah mates for the weekend and if I were to fail, that would definitely made me feel sulky. And then I saw a lot of people posting their statuses on FB saying that they are now Dr "insert surname" which I liked all of them cause they were such happy news. So, I can't help peeking through the transparent plastic and read the sentence behind my address & saw that it contained the words "repeat" and "penalty". And if you read this post entitled "survive the game", I've posted the letter that you'd receive if you failed and I don't think they would put those words in a letter for a person who passed their Finals.

I peeked through the plastic window and learned the result of my Finals

So that's when I realized that I failed and I've called some people who passed to confirm the content of their letters. So yeah, I failed. That was VERY disappointing. I had so many plans that I've had in mind if I were to pass. Because I've seen the seniors from previous years and what they had during the weeks after Revelation Day was pure happiness. No care about the medical world (most of them) and just do whatever you wanted to do. I was really looking forward to that. Really wanted that feeling. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.

And when I went back on FB and saw more of these statuses on FB about becoming doctors, I liked them all again just because they're really good news & they're inspiring.

My plans after Revelation Day

The things which I planned to do if I pass Finals on my first attempt (in no particular order):

1. Go to Ashraf Zakwan's house to cook him some salmon since he's so busy with PhD.

2. Go to Leeds and London to see my friends.

3. Book plane tickets to go to Cork and Dublin.

4. Go and see my Mum and Dad who will be in Ireland between March and April.

5. Plan really fun activities for my mutarabbi.

6. Take my friends from 18 Lace St to go for a ride on my car and go somewhere.

7. Buy a cheesecake in Wollaton.

8. Read books which are not medical-related.

9. Attend ALL national & local events.

10. Bake a cake.

I really wanted to cook salmon for you but that's okay, you'd still be around iA (source)

11. Clean the microwave in my house because it looks horrendous.

12. Call a lot of my family members (Opah, Mak Su, etc) and friends in Malaysia.

13. Cook more than once a week for my housemates.

14. Go to KFC more often.

15. Memorize more verses from the Quran.

16. Buy a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

17. Be a better naqib.

18. Go on a shopping spree and buy wedding gifts for my friends who are getting married.

19. Buy flight tickets to go back to Malaysia asap.

20. Organize some teaching sessions for Amir Fikri and friends (3rd Year Medics).
21. Take Akhtar for a ride in my car to go wherever he wants to.
22. Start preparing for MRCP.

This is an oreo cheesecake

So I want to say sorry to everyone related to the above list because I am unable to continue with my wishes. I have to do this the hard way..again.

How did I feel on Friday?

Firstly, it was hard to take in because I've only experienced being "normal" aka student without failed credits for less than 2 months. I love that feeling. When I passed 4th Year completely, it was so awesome! But now I'm back in limbo. I feel like going into the Hunger Games for the second time. 

I also initially felt like not wanting to go on that hiking trip but then I changed my mind. I need this vacation. I need to see my friends. So we went to a place called Hope. How beautiful is Allah's plans; it's like a message to me.

hope.

If I were to pass, I planned to call my Mum and tell her that I have a birthday gift which is me becoming  a doctor (because her birthday was just a day before Revelation Day). But no, that plan would have to be postponed.

But anyway, I didn't open up the envelope because I know that if I find out that I've failed multiple things, I would be devastated. So I left it unopened but I already know that I failed from that Friday. In addition, I also learned that I passed the Knowledge exams via online. So, I know that I've passed Knowledge but not yet known if I've failed one or both OSCEs :(

Hiking up the hills for hours

I was asked to deliver a short tazkirah and I originally wanted to present something about success/failures but that would have been too obvious. After all, I've announced to my usrah mates that I would only reveal my results on Sunday. So, I went with something that is inspiring by Akhi Ikmal Nordin whom I haven't met for ages! The beautifully written post - Twinkle twinkle little star.

hiking.

I think going on the trip was a really great decision and for me not to tell them until Sunday was also strategically planned. I didn't want them to feel bad for me throughout the treacherous paths that we've encountered. It was such a cool experience going on that hiking trip. The views were simply majestic.

Sunday

It was the day to open the envelop. Somehow, before I opened the envelope, I sort of have this feeling that I'm going to fail both OSCEs. I was ready and opened it up and confirmed my suspicion that indeed I've failed both OSCEs. Of course, I was frustrated but it didn't really crush me. Medschool, you failed. You failed to bring me down. 

I just have a feeling that if I were to fail, I would fail in the worst or one of the worst possible ways. I cannot simply just fail one assessment, but I have to fail multiple things. Because Allah wants to give me a cool experience. So when I passed all of them, it would be epic iA!

Not gonna kidding you, I was jumping up and down in my room as if I just passed Finals. And when I look at myself in the mirror, it's a mixture of anxiety + excitement. 

The following sentences were added today after the feedback meeting at King's Mill - I don't know why I was so positive in this post. Right now, I feel so low.

So now, my remaining exams change from this..

Before

To this..

After

When you said that I'm "pandai"

Dear Syakir, I have to explain something to you about the lunch we had at Bonzai after the last exam with Hosni. When we talked about the failures of 4th Year and how we agreed that a lot of people who are bright and smart but ended up failing multiple assessments and then I said, "ye, orang pandai pon fail".

Then, you said "Adlan pandai jugak tapi fail". And then I blushed and smiled. It's not because I was proud or felt superior but it was because I don't think I am "pandai" and  to hear that coming from you whom is one of the smartest medics I've known, that sort of gave me hope. Yes, I'm not that smart and that's okay. I've come to terms with that throughout the 5 years. 

Nasi lemak at Bonzai

Indeed, I was one of the top students (not THE top but let's say top decile) in most of my academic career until I arrived at The University of Nottingham. So when I failed in 4th Year, it definitely crushed me. I was devastated. Never in my life had I ever failed so epically.  

Let me remind you what happened last year..

In November 2012, I failed 3 exams in which all of them took place in the same week. So, I definitely felt worthless to have achieved something like that. And in May 2013, it was either I make it into 5th Year or enter gap year.

In February 2014, I failed 2 exams which took place in the same week. This time, I'm ready to face it all again. Yeah, I'm tired of failing. Letih kot. Leceh jugak. I'm so gutted.

When I phoned you Syakir, I said, "It's like May 2013 all over again". Which is true. Because this time around, I will either graduate or enter 5th Year again.

Tak nak lalui medical school kat Nottingham dah. Cukup, cukuplah.

A silver lining on Monday

Monday was the day of the results of our foundation year placements. Again, this is the 2nd year consecutively where it is oversubscribed (read: more applicants than the no of jobs available). So you can see why medics in Nottingham are feeling pretty stressful - 2 results back to back; Finals on Friday and job placements on Monday. 

I really had a strong feeling that I was going to get a job at North Western because it's going to be the perfect irony for me. Everything is part of Allah's plans. He wants me to have the job but I have to work hard for it. Hence the double failures.

So I was sitting next to Hosni and then, he told me (we were having a lecture in a small room) that FPAS was out. He got Trent which was his first choice. And then I got nervous. I didn't want to open up my application next to him and in the middle of a small room! Iman and Syakir were in that room as well. People could have seen my reaction if I didn't get a job!

I have a job waiting for me despite this year being oversubscribed for the 2nd year running. Alhamdulillah.

But I opened it anyway. I have nothing to be afraid. Then, I looked at the first page and it looked different than usual. Then, I saw the words "North Western" at the top right corner (image above) and showed Hosni, if that was what I think it was. He nodded and I was beaming with joy. I couldn't contain my excitement. It was such a good news. I have extra motivation to pass the resits. You should've seen my face. Pure happiness. I got my 1st choice.

Time to call home

Since last year was quite a really sad phone call, I want to turn this into a much more confident one. This time, I want to be the one to motivate my parents. Because last year, it was them trying to give me words of encouragement. So I called them and my mum answered it. So I told her everything. That I failed both OSCEs. I was aiming not to make her cry and I succeeded! Alhamdulillah. I convinced her that I'm not giving up and then I talked to my Dad and I was being sarcastic about the medschool. So, in a nutshell, I think I showed them that I was very determined to graduate this year. And I will, inshaAllah.

I will eat this chicken whenever I want to. You can't judge me.

Faiz Khalid

One thing about Faiz; that is if you're friends with him, it is so hard to get in touch with him because he's so busy even when he's in the UK! So I guess I have to fail drastically in order for us to have a FaceTime chat. Funnily enough, I think the last time I FaceTimed him was the time when I failed 4th Year. It's like deja vu all over again. So yeah, it was nice talking to him after so long and also because I have the good news that I have a job waiting for me in August 2014.

I also said to him that I will enter each of the 12 stations and 5 stations of OSCE 1 and 2 respectively "dengan semangat membara".

What now?

These are the things that are going to happen:

• I won't be going home in April unfortunately. But I will go home in May iA. 
• Resits are in the last week of April.
• Elective period is reduced.
• Haven't bought my flight tickets so that was another strategically planned decision.
• Face double OSCEs (sounds like May 2013)
• Work hand and enjoy the journey to Finals the 2nd. The Final Redemption.

And I believe these are all part of Allah's plans to give me the best possible chance at not just to become a good doctor but to become a better Muslim...

this is why we fight

I came across this status on FB today and it was really moving..

I myself was being frustrated as always at the moment because I haven't been a really good one throughout the years but this status was destined for me to read it, for me to become inspired again. So, I decided to share it with all of you hoping that if you ever felt low along the way, get back up cause there's a reason why we fight.

"Mengendalikan sebuah usrah, adalah seperti mentadbir sebuah dunia dalam kesenyapan. 

Tidak seperti dakwah umum; 

Membawa usrah tiada publisiti, tiada liputan, tiada ganjaran. 

Juga, 

Menjadi seorang murabbi, tidaklah sama seperti personaliti dakwah. 

Kita tidak akan punya page Facebook sendiri, status tidak akan menerima jutaan like dan share, blog tidak akan mendapat ribuan views. 

Tapi sebenarnya, 

Murabbi adalah kunci kepada perubahan dunia. 

Carilah satu kaedah yang mampu mengislahkan manusia dengan sudut sekomprehensif usrah, mampukah? 

Kamu tahu, 

Manusia ini cenderung untuk melakukan apa yang dia paling mahir. 

Mereka yang selalu melaungkan amal, mencanangkan kerja mereka, sebenarnya hanya mampu setakat itu. 

Tapi mereka yang fasih berkerja, mentarbiah seorang demi seorang, menyentuh hati demi hati, 

tidak akan banyak bersuara. 

Malah mereka akan terus bekerja, kerana itu yang memaknakan mereka. Itu adalah kepakaran mereka. 

Ah, dakwah sudah mudah. 

Ramai sudah yang mampu menulis kata kata enak, video video menarik, seminar dan dialog ilmiah. Ramai. 

Namun masih ramaikah yang mampu bekerja tanpa dikenali, membina manusia demi manusia, mengubah no body menjadi somebody? 

Menjadi seorang murabbi. 

Semua akh biasa berdakwah, menyebar islam dengan cara sendiri. 

Tapi hanya akh yang benar, mampu menjadi seorang murabbi. 

Kita naik, dengan mengangkat insan insan lain."

Click on the photo to go to FB

And I want to thank all 7 of mine who have helped me become who I am today & may we always be in Allah's blessings...

fear will find you

"...How do you remember these things so exactly?"

"I see them every night," he says.

I know what he means. Nightmares - now plague me whenever I sleep. 

Once upon a time in KMB

I'm making du'a that Allah will take my nightmares away..don't have much of them lately but I am now suffering from insomnia...

circus

I've been so stressful but my usrahmates are making me feel much at ease alhamdulillah.

This is the story of #FebFinals.

I chose the name of this post as it is because that's what our OSCEs were described as in King's Mill Hospital, Mansfield.

Definition of circus

thefreedictionary.com

cir·cus (sûr′kəs)

noun

1. a public entertainment consisting typically of a variety of performances by acrobats, clowns, and trained animals

2. an oval or circular arena, usually tented and surrounded by tiers of seats, in which such a performance is held

3. a person or group of people whose behaviour is wild, disorganized, or (esp unintentionally) comic

I have to say that all of the above reflects what happened on Tuesday & Wednesday.

OSCE 1

Honours stations (well, I need to motivate myself after the tough 2 days):

DRE (Digital rectal examination) - perfection with a capital P
ABPI (Ankle Branchial Pressure Index) - finished in less than 5 minutes 
Abdominal - Got a pat on the back from the consultant and he said "Well done!"
Cardiovascular - my current future career aim, got the diagnosis

Blunder stations (the ones that I'm worried about):
I've done some editing because I need to stay positive. I put the reasons of why I should pass that station after my explanation in case my medical school finds my blog.

Source: here

Acute - Didn't give antibiotics, wasn't vocal enough BUT I was competent in a way that I did the ABC assessment, mentioned ABG and correctly diagnosed the condition. I even picked up the correct fluids and cannula whereas other people simply mentioned them.

Source: here

SBAR Phone call - No structure, lots of silence and "I'm sorry but I couldn't think of any right now" BUT I correctly diagnosed the condition, decided to give the right medication (diuretic) and proved to the examiner that I have AWESOME short-term memory which is going to be useful for real-life scenarios. You can't fail someone with a GREAT short-term memory okay!!

Source: here

IM injection - The most emotionally-challenged station, on the verge of breaking down BUT I showed my utter regret for doing the mistake, proved that I would start again, mentioned everything VERBATIM according to the mark scheme and didn't stab myself.

Source: here

Hand exam - I put this initially as a confirmed PASS but before I went to sleep that night, I realized that I didn't do enough tests, so I ended up being restless for an additional 15 minutes before I managed to fall asleep. And I had to wake up early for OSCE 2 the following morning BUT I was really confident, smiled throughout the process, did all sensorimotor assessments and the patient was happy to have me examined her. She even wished me "Good luck!".

Sorry for the capitalized words. I think I need to convince myself more than anything right now. Hard to focus when you have self-doubtism.

OSCE 2

I've already had my first nightmare last night and I hate it. Back in first half of 4th Year (before I had failures) after the end of Obs and Gynae OSCE, I had nightmares back-to-back in the first few weeks post-exam. It was horrible..I had to relieve the exams in my dreams and sometimes I woke up feeling restless. And these nightmares even happened when my mum came to visit in December 2012. 

This dream that I had last night was not really a nightmare but it showed me going back into my final station of OSCE 2 and did everything that I should've done - I did straight leg raise, said that it might actually be bony metastasis (cancer), it might also be mechanical back pain and I would do an X-ray, possibly MRI. And I saw the examiner giving me a PASS result. The reality - I didn't do the above and I'm marking that station as a blunder. Yeah, it's just 1 station but I already missed a HUGE thing on another station and this means that I have 2 stations that I'm worried about. And I know that these nightmares are going to haunt me over & over again until the next revelation...

4 minutes

4 minutes is the amount of time per station which me and my friends have been practising for our OSCE (Objective Structured Clinical Examination) for the past I-don't-even-know-how-many weeks. In the real exam we will have 5 minutes to show off our skills and 1 minute to present, so it's nice to practice in a reduced period of time.

And tomorrow, is the beginning of craziness.

My blue stethoscope will be with me for the OSCEs :D

It starts with National PSA (Prescribing Safety Assessment). I really don't like any of the national exams. Just because the time pressure is heightened when I face them. Heh.

The following week is the Finals #FebFinals and it begins with the week of testing our skills via the popular exam method called - the OSCEs.

And the last week is the time for our knowledge to be tested via the online system which I've grown to love and hate throughout my 5 years here.

Statistically, this is my record:

• My current pass rate is 100% for any exams which took place outside of Nottingham. Year 3 for Clinical Practice (Mansfield), Year 4 for Paediatrics (Mansfield) and Year 4 for Psychiatry (Derby).
• My Skills marks have always been higher consistently than my Knowledge marks with the exception of Psychiatry. The smallest margin was 1 for Obs & Gynae and the biggest margin was 39 for Clinical Practice. So you can see why I'm usually worried about Knowledge exams.
• I have failed more Knowledge exams than Skills exams in the past.

So yeah, initially I was worried a lot on Knowledge but now, I'm more worried about the OSCEs heh.

These are my weaknesses identified by various people throughout the ACE module (final year module):

• Lack of confidence
• My smile
• English as second language

But I'm not worried too much about the above tbh. Cause my smile is going to win the patients over in the OSCEs and I can fake my confidence lol. 

These are my strengths:

• Strong empathy
• My smile
• Realistic optimism

I think my smile is a strength for all of the stations except the one where the patient is crying/sad, huhu. 

And these are the Finals:

Skills 

Location: King's Mill Hospital, Mansfield the 1st placement where I was taught with love and care ;P

• OSCE 1 - 12 stations of 6 minutes each. Allowed to fail two only.
• OSCE 2 - 5 stations of 15 minutes each.  Allowed to fail one only.

Knowledge

Location: Nottingham

• Online 1 - 200 marks available in 2 hours. God knows what the format is.
• Online 2 - Same as above.

Ok, that's all for now and probably until the end of Finals unless if a rebellion begins and managed to cut off the electrical supply.

And for one last time, our marks are going to be moderated by comparing our performances with everyone else's in our year which makes me feel that my medical school is a real life Hunger Games.

Till then, let's think positively and pray that Allah will guide us..as always...