hold on

As always, since there is an unspoken (yeke?) tradition on my blog, the 23rd and final post for the year.

I think I want to write about the recent daurah. Not the daurah itself but about the conversation I had with some of the doctors from Ireland. Well, the 2 doctors whom usually ask me about my medical life would definitely be Dr Ateeq and Dr Zaquan. So yeah, Dr Ateeq kept wishing me all the best with my final year studies. He always asks me about my progress when we meet up but truth be told, I just don't know how to answer it, hahaha. Simply because I'm not so confident with myself, heh. And it's great to have someone who keeps asking you about your progress despite you not having a proper answer for it :P I mean, I've known Ateeq even before I flew to the UK (I was with Syukri Choki2 when he made a phone call to invite us to go to Kamal bookstore. But we were already on our way to Genting Highlands at that time XD ) and I went to his wedding during the first summer holiday. Our encounters have always been brief but it was enough for him to remember me, lol. And yeah, he assured me that it's normal to feel that there are so much to be covered. So I still have hope, yeah!!

And Dr Zaquan? I met him for the first time when my no. 5 was just blessed with a baby boy and we were on our way to QMC. That's when I learned that he's actually the husband of the twin of my no. 3's wife. Did that make sense? I hope so, haha. I told Syuk about the fact that I've just learned (okay, banyak pulak mention nama Syuk) and that's when we sort of made a plan that we shall try to find twins to become our wives. Because if we're married to twins, then we can see each other more often, hahaha. To be honest, it was a pretty good idea and I was into it for some time. Then I told Syuk that if our wives were siblings, that would work out as well, hehe. But that's that; Syuk and I have a long history of having crazy ideas. 

OHCM, maybe from now on I should start reading this ONLY ;|

Let's get back to Dr Zaquan. I like him, he's pretty cool. He actually gave me so many tips to prepare for Finals that I sort of gave my shocker face :O in the end of our conversation cause it sounds like I have so much to do, huhu. He said that I need to do 3000 questions before Finals. My reaction, "WHAT?!". Since I only have till February, he said I could do 100 questions per day! :O See...shocker face, hahaha. He said that I should at least read the whole OHCM book before Finals which I think is reasonable. It's the kind of advice which I heard from previous seniors from Nottingham as well. He also commented that the final year medics from Ireland "tak nak pergi daurah (referring to this one)" and naturally, I backed them up saying that "diorang nak exam dah tu, huhu". I mean, the reason of why I attended this recent event was because I haven't been to a lot of them (national ones particularly) -_-" Ok, don't judge me, huhu. Since my failures from November last year, I took the time during weekends to prepare for my redemption in May 2013 in which I did well, alhamdulillah and again for November this year for the remaining 4th year exam. Bila result nak keluar???

That's when I realized that I feel bad for using medicine as a reason to be busy. So, I would like to apologize to everyone if I seemed to be selfish for using my academic matters as an excuse. I'm not one of those people who are so good in managing multiple tasks at one time. I'm okay with organization but when I have too many things on my plate, that's when I get distressed. That's why my dad wants me to send the car to be fixed after my Finals, he wants me to focus on #FebFinals first. 

Oooo, there's a car? Haha, we'll talk about this later.

And look what I've got from someone special :D

Sorry, I wanted to give you something but I couldn't just choose what. Next time iA (^^,)

And my recent post on my friends who have left was probably because of the experience of not seeing them at our conferences (daurah). It was just so weird not seeing the familiar faces but I' m okay, heh.

That's the end of 2013. I'm holding on to April...

it will rain

This post was written a long time ago when Alif Ramli left me. It is a dedication to my friends who went back to Malaysia.

I didn't want to publish this at that time because I already made a lot of posts about people leaving and bla3. Don't want people to think that I have a mental illness. So I postponed its publication to the last few days of 2013, hehe.

-BEGIN-

Yesterday was the day that Alif flew back to Malaysia. And with that, I can now write this post hehe..

It's September.. it's the month of new beginnings and the time to welcome new people into my life. Easier said than done, that is if you are one of my close friends and know how difficult it is for me to accept new people into my social network. Many have tried and failed miserably - ok, ni poyo. 

My cover photo

"People always leave"

That's what I wrote on my whiteboard since I said goodbye to Faiz Khalid. I didn't know why I wrote it though. I guess it's a constant reminder to me that I have to be prepared for the time to say goodbye. When Faiz left, it was such a horrible experience. It's like first year all over again. The peculiar feeling of emptiness. I mean, he only went back to Malaysia, it's not like he's going to the North pole, lol. But yeah, I guess I'm going to miss the times that he used to call me, the times when we talked about our mutarabbi and I have to get used to not seeing you at our conferences anymore.

And then, Aiman Ismail. Aku tak rindu kau Aiman, seriously. Hahaha. Sebab kau selalu call aku. So it's good, it's like you're still here but just 12 hours of flight away. I don't know why my phone callers have to leave me first. But I still have one around here. So I'll be fine iA. And Aiman, aku rasa macam nak balik Malaysia je sekarang & jumpa kau. But until that day comes, take care of yourself ok ;)

Raja Abdullah Hakim and Alif Ketam

Then, it's Raja Abdullah Hakim's turn. I really really really appreciate that you and the others came to my graduation :D That you remembered my invitation from first year just made me feel happy to know that I'm not the only one with good memories, haha. And when you gave me the video of when I was walking on the stage on my graduation, I turned it into my inspiration. I watched that video over and over again when I was preparing myself for my 2nd chance in May 2013. It gave me the motivation to keep on going..that I will be doing it again in 2014, iA. And I also remember the time when I suddenly had an emotional outburst when I came to visit you guys in Manchester after visiting my mum. It was definitely because I had a tough time after the exams in November 2012 #RememberNovember. I think the outburst was reasonable; after all I did fail 100 credits ;P It was so funny and random but I just needed someone to talk to hahaha. And you handled that really well.

Then, it was Ikhwan Moeiid's turn. One thing about introverts like me is that it's hard for me to start a conversation. So when Moeiid was the one who talked to me first at a tom yam restaurant in KL in 2010, I began to appreciate him as a friend. The dinner was meant for seniors to get to know the juniors (read: DF) but a that time, we got to know each other. So yeah, that was awesome. And if you remember the time when I gave you a Mars chocolate egg during our first MPN; I know...it was out of the blue. It wasn't planned. I simply bought it at a fuel station when we were on our way and I planned to give it to any ikhwah that I would like to when I reached the venue. And I knew that your birthday was just a few days ago, so I chose you. Then, I made it a tradition of giving you chocolate eggs during MPN haha..except this year cause I didn't attend due to my #PrayforMay endeavour.

And it's Abdur Rahim. Well, you went on the same day with Fadhir Tahar. So, it was double farewell for me. Rahim, you know I would have come to the airport if you chose a weekend flight. That week was the last week of my attachment and it's hard to skip it like I did for Faiz Khalid or Akmal Aliff. And I still remember that you have a keychain to give me. Ok kidding. And I'm quite disappointed with myself that I didn't manage to bake a cake for your birthday. I really do. Because I did say that I wanted to. And you yourself managed to make tiramisu for me?! That was fantastic. I mean, who would make tiramisu for me? Hahaha. But thank you for remembering this promise after you cheated on a game that we played at JOM 2010 ;D Just on a side note, me and Faiz agreed to cheat in the game anyway after you left to join the winners, hahaha.

Then, there's Fadhir. Sorry Fadhir sebab still tak call until now huhu. Somehow, my trip to Newcastle in 2012 is still pretty vivid in my mind. The nasi lemak, the cows, the bridge, the cloudy weather, your awesome bedroom carpet - are just so clear in my mind. And I really like the gift from you cause I've been searching for something like that for quite some time but just couldn't choose one. And I use it everyday before I go to hospital. It's an awesome gift to make people remember you, haha. It's too bad that we couldn't run The Amazing Race together because firstly, we're not Americans lol and secondly, the Asian edition is cancelled -_-" But we did have a wonderful time designing The Amazing Race for SCUK 2012. It was definitely one of my favourite projects till date. Sorry that I didn't want to include the U-turn. I just didn't want people to have bad feelings heh. And it was funny that you fell asleep next to me the night before The Amazing Race after you actually searched on YouTube for some inspiration. I was like, "Oh, come on. I'm not a boring partner". Haha, but yeah, thanks for picking up the phone whenever I gave you a ring :)

It's Ahmad Syafiq Hamzi turn next. I don't know why you're so obsessed with your name being mentioned in my blog :P Haha, I remember when you said that, "aku mimpi aku masuk dalam blog kau", lol Capek! Or you keep on teasing that I'm going to write a certain incident on my blog. Seriously, this blog is not that popular at all but I wrote one for you anyway hehe. Do you remember the time when you chose me as your emergency point of contact/next of kin at the A&E? Aku terharu sorang-sorang kah3. No, seriously. I told Akmal Aliff about it and he lol-ed (read: past tense of lol) as well. Maybe I was sleepy at that time so I kinda have no control over my feelings ;P And thanks for the messages on FB. Unlike some of the people in this post, they just don't write to me! Lol, ok kidding. But really, thank you. You're probably the person who I usually harass first when I visit you guys in Manchester just because your room was on the ground floor. Now that you guys are not around, I'm struggling to find a reason for me to go to Manchester.

Obviously Akmal Aliff's departure would affect me so much. After all, I came with him to Nottingham. So the feeling of emptiness was heightened when he left. And budak Notts ingat aku depress sebab aku tak dapat buat begedil, lol. Sebab kitorang ada open house a few days after your departure. I didn't tell anyone about this but I stayed in Nazmi's room when we were preparing for the open house for quite a long time cause I suddenly felt empty. And Bear even said that I looked depressed and he asked Syakir to diagnose me :P But I'm glad that you have a job now. So all is well iA. And I believe everything will be fine.

And it was Muhammad Hakim Razali's turn. I've always considered you as the person that I hang out with quite often during our summer break. Too bad I couldn't go home every year. We could have have had so much fun! Well, that's the price of being a medic. And I do remember that you kept saying a few times that I went to Liverpool without seeing you. It's funny cause the statement holds true till today haha. Even when I went to Liverpool to send Faiz off, I found out that you were with your family in another country heh. I guess we are only meant to meet each other in Selangor, haha. So yeah, I'm going to hold on to the plan that we're going to meet up next time.

Muhamad Alif Ramli. The last person to leave me. Lol. Well, I know you kept mentioning that I ignored you when we were in MRSM TGB..that I usually walked past your classroom when you were sweeping the floor (I have to say that you have a really fascinating imagination haha); that we weren't that close back then..which was true. But we did become closer in the UK. That firstly I met you at MARA headquarters on the year before we flew off, and I met you again when I came to my 2nd choice university for the first time and from thereon it just clicked. Do you remember the time when you sent me a message on FB sometime in June 2012? I was like, "Apa la Alif nak dari aku??" Haha, it wasn't anything personal because aku selalu cop ikhwah kalau tanya khabar mesti nak bagi kerja. Kah3. But apparently you just wanted to know how I was doing. And we did that a few times as well over FB message and yeah, it was nice to do that because I'm an introvert and I do better with writing heh. Aku still nak tulis something kat kau every now and then masa 5th year ni (macam aku nak call Fadhir) tapi still tak dapat-dapat sebab terlupa or ada something else that I needed to do at that time heh.

Ok tu je kot. Panjang dah post ni. My friends who left me in my 3rd year, I still remember you guys okay, Ahmad Shahrul Kamal, Za'ba, Ikmal Nordin, Yazid Fauzi, Syahir Jamaluddin, Qassim, Khalil, Amir Aiman and so many others (jangan terasa pulak kalau aku tak tulis nama korang haha). Yang dah kahwin, I don't mind that much because I know you guys are in good hands heheh. And as well as for those who left me in 4th year but it felt like I haven't seen you guys since 3rd year, Rasydan Fitri, Izdihar Zuhdi, Muzhafar Hamzah, Andhar, Muzal and so many others! But I think I should stop now. Huhu.

Just before I leave, just want to make it clear that it's not only hard for those who were left behind; but apparently it is just as hard for those who actually left. These past few months have taught me that.

Tambahan: By the way, I actually wrote the names of you guys in a list of friends that I will contact personally if I pass my exams back then in November 2012. But I failed dreadfully; so I didn't get to do that at all.

-END-

I think it already rained..but I'm holding on to another day...

don't stop

It's easy to lose focus..and it's easy to give up.

But what you need is to remind yourself of the small wins that you're experiencing as you're making your way to your final challenge. It's more of like asking yourself to count your blessings. So you know you have things that keep you going.

These are my new running shoes which I will use once I go back to Malaysia in April. I don't know why I put the pics here but I love the colours haha. And no, I didn't go out today on Boxing Day but instead I stayed at home reading about haemorrhoids. Seriously.

Take me for example, here are some of my small wins:

• I survived May!
• I got 100% for my audit project and I'm a nominee for a prize (^^,)
• I only have 6 MACCS left to be done. MACCS is Mandatory Assessment of Core Clinical Skills which everyone needs to complete before facing the finals.
• I'm in QMC till #FebFinals
• I am now a member of an OSCE group which is actively practising on a weekly basis. OSCE stands for Objective Structured Clinical Examination and it's technically the practical/skills part of the exam. I faced this since my first year and so did every other medical students.
• I managed to answer all of the questions for my SJT exam. It stands for Situational Judgement Test and it's the 50% that determines my ranking compared against everyone who's hoping to get a job next year in the UK.
• I did quite okay during the Patient Workshop (it basically means mock test)
• I'm still determined and I will have my revenge ;P

A lot of good things are happening around you. So stop for a while and appreciate them. Make them count. These morale boosters e.g. like a friend coming over to your house (I failed to persuade my bestfriend to come and study with me :P) or having a turkey for dinner with friends or just being able to spend time with your mum, family, friends or cute little children; they're the ones that should make you feel motivated and help you to persevere in keeping your eye on the prize.

Impossible is nothing

I can assure you Adidas did not pay me for publicity

"So glorify the Praises of your Lord, and ask for His Forgiveness. Verily, He is the One Who accepts the repentance and forgives"

(An-Nasr, 110:3)

As for me, I'm aiming to go home in April...

move along

Last Monday, 25th of November 2013, I faced my little demons - Paediatrics Knowledge for the 2nd time. It's the only 4th year exam left for me to pass.

Kan best kalau 5th Year kena fokus kat module ni je. Tapi takpe, ada hikmahnya iA :)

The day began perfectly. I said goodbye to my mum, wore my pyjamas and left the house to my exam venue - Trent Buidling, which I have to say is one of the poshest place to do your exam. The weather's not too cold, the autumn leaves looked pretty and the birds were singing but they pooped several metres from where I was walking. That made me think, what would I do if they pooped onto me. I thought I'd just go to the toilet to wash my hair but another thought came up where I'd just go to the exam venue with the birds' poops so at least I can sabotage the people sitting within 2 metre radius from where I'd be sitting. That way, I have a higher chance of passing. That's when I realized what the Capitol the medical school has done to me and some of my friends. They turned our exams into the hunger games! Making us selfish and think about ourselves only. It's horrible, they make us fight amongst each other so we won't end up in the dreaded bottom 10% (tapi Paeds last year was more than 10%). After all, the people who ended up in the bottom are not usually saved from the red mark. Ok, enough conspiracies, let's get back to the main story.

So I did the exam in the computer room. I've chosen the perfect location - not facing a lot of people cause I can get distracted really easily by the invigilators' motions. No, seriously. I logged in but unfortunately, an error occurred. So the invigilator asked me to move to another computer. Bye-bye perfect spot. Logged in again and another error occured. Third time and still inaccessible. "You may begin" said the chief invigilator. Thanks lah invigilator! I tried 5 computers in total and then, he decided to call the Capitol. I meant the headquarters or whatever. I logged in using a guest username and my password was the name of a colour. Seriously, I don't like where this was going. So I started 9 minutes later than everyone else. You know what that means..when the time ends for these students, they are going to create such a ruckus. So I was determined to finish at the same time as they would in which I was successful, yeay! The 9 minutes later weren't of much use though. Didn't change my answers that much. Only used the time to make sure that I've answered everything. 

All in all, there were 9 X-rays (crazy! this is not a radiology exam), psych and derm questions (which I had to use my knowledge from the previous year) and MDD (it wasn't rheumatology though; it was the weird and the wonderful). At the end of the exam, I really hope that it would be something that I really know for sure that I'm going to pass, like a "feel good exam" but there has never been an exam of this type since the clinical phase begins. I was not in the mood after the exam but I tried to put on a happy face. Then, I decided that there's no use worrying too much about something in the past especially if the result is still unknown. So I decided to try and forget it and just focus on my Finals. I sort of came up with a new campaign and hashtag (like I always do since I failed in January earlier this year):

FEBRUARY FINALS!

#FebFinals

Just humour me, okay. My friend told me that I needed a distraction. What better way than to focus on the Finals. I'm quite nervous to be honest. Because I have a lot of catching up to do. I'd say that I'm 40% ready for the Finals. But I'm not giving up because I still have time - I call this my 10 week challenge!

8 weeks shown in the photo for my final attachment in Surgery and 2 weeks of holiday in December which I determined to utilise it to catch up with my peers. It's the 10 week challenge!

The countdown to Finals starts now...

who we are

It's my birthday post! As always..haha

Dear readers, I'm currently in Lincoln for my 4th attachment - Critical Illness. You know what? I've been blessed with 3 nice consultants for the past 3 attachments. I really hope the 4th one will be nice as well because it is during this attachment where I will have to sit for my resit (see what I did there? Nope? Never mind). I really need as much free time as possible.

Anyway, let's talk about my birthday. It started in the morning with me going to the city at dawn for usrah :D What an awesome way to start the day huh? Then, I met the people I care even though it was for a short while. Later, I stole Ashraf Zakwan and we had awesome time at Caffe Nero and Subway. Most of the time, I kept telling him that I didn't want to go to Lincoln today. Such a baby, haha. 

A birthday pack! Hahaha

Then, I packed my bags anyway cause I didn't have a choice :P The train ride itself was an hour long. Once arrived, I called the numbers for the taxi but none answered. I overheard from a lady who was at the train station saying that they're all busy. And I'm like..really? Busy for what? It's Sunday. There were around 4 people in front of me queueing for a taxi which didn't seem to arrive even after 15 minutes. Then I decided to begin another Amazing Race adventure by walking to the hospital. Hosni did tell me it was about 30 minutes by walking but I was ready to face the challenge. I used my trusty iPhone 5 and followed the directions on Google Maps. After several minutes, I've apparently went the other way, lol! So I had to make a U-Turn and had to walk in front of the people who were still hopefully waiting for a taxi. Sedikit malu di situ tapi kalau dalam Amazing Race, confirm diorang kena eliminate cause they're still there! Haha.

As I was walking, I realised that I'm approaching the bus stop and checked my phone that the next bus was coming in the next 7 minutes or so. My bags were pretty heavy. They consist of kicap, vaio, periuk nasi, ribena drinks, kuali tefal, buku final year, buku resit, my birthday mug, shoes, crocs and so much more. I didn't think it's a good idea for me to walk 30 mins to the hospital with a kicap in my hand. So, I decided to catch the bus. During this time, I kept telling myself that there's no way I'm going to give up and said that I'm going to make it. Kan bagus if I actually have this spirit for my Paeds resit ;P Nonetheless, I managed to hop on the bus and made my way to Lincoln County Hospital.

I know, macam nak pindah terus tapi minah sebelah bilik ni sepuluh kali keluar masuk bilik pon tak habis lagi barang dia ;P

The road to Lincoln County Hospital was hilly and filled with branches. No kidding, I had to kick a branch out of the way cause it was blocking the road as I need to drag my huge brown bag on the pavement. Guess what? I also had to carry my bag up the stairs, yeah!! Hahaha. When I arrived, I felt so happy. I always have a good reaction when I see the accommodation provided for my clinical attachments. It's pretty good and very clean. The only drawback is that my flatmates have the obsessions of playing with their room doors. I'm so going to wake them up for Subuh with my alarm. Dapat berjemaah sekali kan, hehehe. 

Look at the size of the table. I can become a nerd in no time.

Today, as a 24 year old, I'm very thankful that Allah has given me these 2 traits - my sense of humour and my sense of optimism. I'm thankful that I'm able to see the funny side of things; to be able to laugh easily and of course, my optimism which helps me to move forward & be persistent in searching for the silver linings in life. It was an awesome birthday. Allah reminded me of the personality that He has given me whilst I was carrying a kicap in my hand. Couldn't be better ;)

And of course, thank you for the wishes via email, Whatsapp, FB, letters and iMessages from my family members, my bestfriends (thank you for the black pens, I brought it with me to Lincoln), my friends and everyone else! 

Let's make a wish shall we, make a du'a that we will never lose ourselves..that we shall always be true to who we are and be thankful for the personality that Allah has blessed us with. That's all for now, need to get some salmon for tomorrow...

i promise

In January, I sort of made a promise to a consultant in Paediatrics, 4th Year module that I will be more focussed and will continue to aim high. No problems with the latter one but with the former, it fluctuates on a daily basis cause I have so many things in my mind right now. I bet my Mum and Dad would probably worry when they read this part ;P (Don't worry, I'm okay huhu). 

"Adlan Wafi, you've fought very hard in May..but that was 4th Year. Would you like to begin a real war?"

I need to sort things out, be determined, ignore friends who made me feel bad (or at least, give them my plastic smile), seek help, get closer to Allah, ask my friends to pray for me and believe that everything will be fine.

Anyway, for the first time ever, I'm going to show you an excerpt from another blog of mine which is definitely closed to public and only read by 2 other people :O Surprised? Hahaha. This post was written on January 20, 2013: 

This is a trivia; during the meeting with Dr N, I didn't tell him that I also failed the whole Obs and Gynae module. He already expected that I was a high-achieving student. Didn't want him to think that he was utterly wrong in reading me. Haha.

The good thing about making this promise is that it becomes a motivation for me to overcome my impediment. The scene between me and the consultant keeps replaying again and again in my mind..making me realized that I was in that room talking to him on a rainy day and I said that I will try my best.

One last time

In November, hope is stronger than fear...

one last time

It's November!! Time is running out..

Dear readers, I worry about a lot of things. One of them was the audit that I needed to produce by the end of my 4 Week Primary Care attachment. I did an audit already in January for my SSM (Special Study Module) in Rheumatology and I made it clear to my supervisor I wasn't in the mood of presenting/publishing it because it was during the time when I found out I had the triple failures. So yeah, it was similar around this time as well. I wasn't aiming to win any prize. I've only started writing the audit this Sunday because I had so many other things to handle and I wasn't even sure on how to write it cause it's different than the one I did for Rheumatology. The first audit I did was mainly on numbers and figures. So, it was pretty easy for me to manipulate the data. This one; it was on "Assessment of paediatric referrals". Like, what on Earth could I write about that?? So, it was a little bit of a guesswork and a little bit of a risk because I didn't want to do something which my GP (General Practitioner) didn't expect from me. 

So, I went in today to my GP surgery (aka clinic) for one last time since it's the last day of my Primary Care attachment and I joined his clinic from early in the morning cause he asked me to. The only reason why I had to come was to get the result for my audit so yeah, I was a bit anxious today. 

When I arrived, he revealed to me that he thought it was really good. So, I thought, "Ok, I think I'll pass". After a few moments in his clinic, he said "Let's mark your audit". And I was like, "Ok, this is it". He opened up my audit and commented that it's exactly what he's hoping for saying that he's going to use it for the meeting and he acknowledged the use of colours in my audit. And I felt, "Yeah!! Finally, someone appreciates my choice of colours in my coursework." Lol. Then he began filling in the marking sheet. I tried to look away but I just can't, haha. I saw him ticking "Excellent" for every criteria and I was surprised :O

I think he was just being nice. Well, he is really really nice, funny and friendly. So, that probably contributed to this result, haha. And then I realized that I am now technically a nominee for a prize :O because to be a nominee, I need to attract full marks from my GP.

In Final Year of Medicine in Nottingham, there are 7 prizes available for students and one of them is the Vale of Trent Clinical Governance Prize which is awarded to the "student judged to have written the best report during the year 5 Primary care attachment".

Try and look at this list and guess which of these is the one that I'm actually aiming for :P

I am a nominee! Yeay, alhamdulillah :D For something that I didn't plan for anyway, haha. 

I meant, I did aim to become a nominee in 3rd Year for CFU project but though I didn't become one, my marks were good alhamdulillah. In 4th Year, I aimed to become a nominee for Paediatrics and I succeeded but I failed to meet the requirement to move on to the next stage - obtaining a first class mark overall for the module. (If you didn't know what happened to me, I failed the Knowledge exam last year. So on the last week of this month, I have to face my demons. Okay, that's a bit exaggerated. Maybe just a little demon because it's Paeds..comel, haha). In 5th Year, this is definitely the very last coursework we ever had to do and ever had to submit to turnitin, inshaAllah. Tak nak coursework dah. Lepas ni ada elective report je and benda2 kecik. And what a better way to end it with a nomination? Huhu, again alhamdulillah. Not planning to win it though because after all, it was done in 2-3 days O_o 

I even have a 0% plagiarism level :D

The main point is, no matter what you do, Allah is the one who will award you for your efforts. You can try and spend weeks on your coursework or exams or whatever your endeavour may be, but if He doesn't want to give you the result that you want, then you just won't get them. Because He has a better plan for you. Just like what He did to me in January. But strive you must..because that's our responsibility.

And this excellent ending of my Primary Care attachment; I shall take it as one of my silver linings :)

So Adlan Wafi, let's strive for #RememberNovember so we can get back to focus on Final Year of Medicine...

forgiven, not forgotten

I was cleaning my room until I found this piece of paper just now. So, I shared it with my friends on mian (morning is at noon). It was written by a consultant when I did my MDD (Musculoskeletal Disorders and Disabilities aka muscle and bones stuff). This was during the Goodbye period..not that it has any relevance though.

The email by this consultant wasn't fully accurate though. He wrote "Even when shown how to examine the various joints correctly, they were then unable to reproduce this later in the morning." It should be noted that this email was sent to my supervising consultant; the one who will judge whether I pass or fail the attachment. This statement made me sound like an idiot. The truth was, I wasn't one of the students who were given the chance to do the examination again. I only managed to examine 1 patient and that was it. And about the article, well, we did explain to him we couldn't find it on Moodle (new website for medics) but hey, he just had to mention it in the email. 

Normally, I would put this consultant onto my hit list. But I decided to let it go. I threw this piece of paper into the recycling bin at Akhtar Muzhaffar's house to make sure I never get my hands on it again. You see, I always say that I have good memory on sentimental events. And truth be told, I can't really choose what I want to remember. Well, not always. Like I can remember the smell of the chicken soup which I had during my kindergarten years, the words that are said to me by a friend who is now back in Malaysia, the reaction which I had the first time it was snowing in Nottingham and also during the 3rd time for no particular reason (see, I can't choose), the smell of my friends' rooms in KMB (Hahaha, pleasant smells to be accurate. Not stinky ones), the reaction you had when you saw me during our first daurah in 3rd year (he was so excited to see me, there's now way I could have forgotten that) and so much more. I wanted to write names but I don't want anyone to be jealous, lol.

So, along with good memories, I unfortunately remember bad memories as well..effortlessly. Throughout my life, but more persistently during my medical years, I sort of established a hit list in my mind that has the names of people who have treated me badly or given me an experience which I wouldn't want to remember but I can't because of this "gift" I have. So I ended up remembering them, over and over again. Craziness. 

These bad memories.. they're technically the reason why I'm planning to leave Nottingham for my foundation years. Tapi kalau dapat jugak, takpela kan. Cause I don't want to be around a place which can easily bring me back to the time when I experienced all these not so wonderful memories. Remember my 3rd year and the backstabbing supervisor? I can't afford to give my plastic smile to her for the next couple of years. There are many other distasteful events which took place in Nottingham but I'm not going to write them cause it would only attract negative vibes.

So even though I can't get rid of these memories, at least I need to start forgiving. I need to destroy the hit list. Ever heard of a sahabah who was promised of Jannah? He forgives the wrongdoings of others towards him before he goes to bed.

What I need is to learn to let go.

And what I need is to learn to forgive...

gone

I'm currently in my new attachment. It's called GP - General Practitioner. It's basically me going to clinics and having fun meeting patients. Moreover, I'm technically halfway to my February Finals but I'm also 6 weeks to my 2nd Chance for Paeds exam. It's scary and overwhelming at the same time. Because I'm not only dealing with my academic matters at the moment but so many others. For one, I have to rank 21 Unit of Applications (UoAs) aka the place where I will be doing my foundation training for 2 years after graduation. Vital stuff. Truth be told, when I said goodbye to my friends during the past few months, it definitely made me want to return to Malaysia even sooner -_-" But I'm realistic, so I'm going to persevere with my initial plan and I know that my friends would want me to follow my dream.

I had this on my whiteboard for months until just now..

In the past few months, I have a feeling that Allah has been giving me some hints about new characters which will play more important roles in my life - people who would be new additions into my social network. People who have played minor roles in my life previously, people who have been recurring characters in the past but they suddenly popped out of nowhere and indirectly hinting that they're going to have a bigger role in the future. Well, we just have to wait and see about that. 

This is the place where Fadhir Tahar took me when I went to visit him during my 2 week holiday. At least, I got to meet him in Newcastle whilst he was there huhu.

I feel as if my life is a drama, that I'm still the same character in the same series for years. My friends whom I've said goodbye to have move on to their own shows and spin-offs. In addition, there are also new characters introduced who are probably going to be featured in the upcoming season. 

How melodramatic.

Well, I have lost at least 10 friends over the summer. Ok, maybe "lost" is not the right word but you know what I mean. 

And these friends that I've said goodbye to; are not just random friends. They're the people who I can easily Whatsapp, text, call or FaceTime, the people who I wouldn't be embarrassed to give chocolates in public for no apparent reason, who I'd give souvenirs when I return from my trips, who I can share my secrets and know that they will keep them, who I can happily enjoy the silence between us and know that it can never be awkward (and this is very important for an introvert like me), who I can just express what I'm feeling without the fear of being judged and who I always look forward to meet when I go to our conferences or projects but now, I know that you guys won't be there & I have to get used to this..

Sure, some of my friends have left last year but it wasn't as bad as this year's. Maybe because there weren't as many as the ones who left this year. This year, it's just..too much.

So yeah, I'm sorry you have to read this. In fact, you might be reading about the same thing again and again because I just can't move on. Just kidding, I am moving on..albeit rather slowly.

Imagine losing that many close friends in a short period of time. It's crazily difficult.

People always leave and sometimes, they don't come back. But that's okay. Because we believe in Allah and we're going to work our way to attain his blessings and hopefully iA, gain entry to his Jannah.

I guess I am a bit clingy. So don't worry, you're not the only one...

wake me up when september ends

Today was the last day for me to go to Derby. Alhamdulillah, I've been in Derby since January 2013. Imagine how long that has been! I have to say that Derby is definitely one of the best places to gain clinical knowledge. I still remember the time when I reached Derby for the first time..

I'm not sure why I put up this pic but it's one of the dishes which I had in Feb in Derby

It was snowing & the weather was cold. The windows of the hopper bus seemed translucent due to the low temperature & the person sitting next to me wiped the materialized droplets of water which obscured us from seeing the legendary Royal Derby Hospital (RDH) as we arrived into the main entrance for the first time. As I could see the buildings clearly, I said to myself, "Wow, I'm going to be here for a long time". It was a bittersweet feeling at that moment; I was excited to spend my time at a new hospital (I am most probably the last Malaysian medic from my year to reach Derby) but it was also a few weeks after I found out I failed 3 exams. Yeah, remember November last year? The results were out in January and it was my biggest challenge to date. 

I realized that I had to go to Derby pretty much on a daily basis (so that's 2-2.5 hours knocked out of my routine just for commuting between the 2 cities) and I hate it..because I can't enjoy Derby as much as I would because I had to worry about May.

And alhamdulillah, with Allah's help, I survived May and made it to Final Year and earned the right to spend 16 weeks in Derby right from June till today! 

I think I'm going to miss Derby. There's the pak cik who always drives the hopper bus and always gives a smile to his passengers (but the pak cik is no longer around since last week so it's easier for me to move on now, lol). I'm going to miss the halal chicken served at its rooftop restaurant. I'm going to miss the shortcuts that I've learnt, the swimming pool that I went to for my Special Study Module, the friendly doctors/staff, the unplanned trips to Westfield to get a Cookieshake after a long/tiring/happy/sad/stressed day at RDH, the early morning chat with Syakir on the hopper bus.

Going to miss the halal chicken dishes

Probably I'm going to miss Derby because it's the place where I departed from before I said goodbye to Faiz Khalid, Aiman Ismail and Akmal Aliff. Oh my God! I just realized I left my padlock on the locker back in RDH! Seriously, I just thought about this as I'm writing this post. Okay, I'm making a mental note to myself to give the key to Syakir (since he's in Derby for the next attachment) so he can get my padlock for me. Tolong ek Syakir. Now back to my original train of thought - So yeah, the locker. I stuffed my Crumpler bag with my EOS 550D, my bags with clothes when I arrived in the morning and took them out later when I'm done for the day to get to Liverpool and London to say goodbye. I think I'm going to miss the locker now. So many memories.

People have to move on. This includes me. The people that I've said goodbye to; they shall become the reason for me to be stronger. And Derby, thanks for the memories. It's time to get serious...

express yourself

A few days ago, we had a station where we had to deliver a bad news to a patient's daughter. It was difficult, I didn't know what to talk about. All I can think about was trying to be myself - empathetic and concerned. At the end of the session, the actor slapped me on my knee jokingly & said, "Stop smiling" :) 

Taken from shoujonotes

I was surprised with the comment because I was aware throughout the consultation that I put up my poker face. She said I did really well, that I was the only student in her station who did something which highlights my empathy. I shall not tell you what I did though :P

Who knew that my smile could actually be one of my hindrances in the medical world?

This event led to me showing Syakir my various faces whilst on the hopper bus to Derby the other day and asking him if it's good enough for the exams. Lol.

The conclusion; I shall use my sad face during the breaking bad news station if it ever were to come up in Feb next year. Since my neutral face is a smiley face, I guess I have to put in some emotions; maybe recollections of sad events in my life like when everyone left me in the past few months which I shall enliven in my mind so the facial expression will look natural. I guess all those drama practices that I had back in MRSM TGB would be really useful for my Final Exam in 2014. Awesomeness! 

In addition, on the same day, I met an old lady at the bus stop on my way to Derby before I had the session on breaking bad news. She didn't smile at all. No, seriously..her face was so "ketat" and she looked at me with sharp evil eyes. I can get very uneasy when I meet people who just don't smile. I feel bad for her because she was unable to smile. I mean.. can you imagine people who just couldn't smile? Kesian kan? Imagine all the people that they manage to scare with their neutral faces. At least my neutral face is the smiley one. I guess that's why people kept saying that I never stop smiling even though I actually do.

And to everyone else, smile to the people around you. It's not that hard. You make other people happy just by smiling. And I just love when my housemates are smiling at me when I get back home after a long (sometimes dull) day in the hospital...

never let me go

Sorry about this late post. Been busy with adjusting myself in the past few days.. and also with the open house that we had yesterday. I have partially recovered from the fatigue, heh. And during the open house yesterday, some medic seniors actually teased me about our posts on FB. Well, you started it first :P

My hug-giver :)

The title of this post is for me to tease Akmal Aliff's separation anxiety which he developed in our 2nd year :P When we had Izzuddin Iliyes as our naqib, he mentioned that his daughter Amirah Mujahidah illustrated some signs of separation anxiety and I told Akmal Aliff that it's basically what he had when I left him alone. Hahaha.

One of the things that he likes to do is to interrupt me at inappropriate times ;P

On the day of your departure, I thought it was pretty obvious I was going to appear some time during the course of the day (before you went through security that is). Because I didn't see you at all (intentionally..cause I was going to meet you at the airport anyway) after we had dinner the night before. I figured that would probably be the biggest hint. Come on la Akmal, takkan aku nak biarkan kau balik tanpa jumpa aku.

When I saw you at the airport, I wanted to cover your eyes from the back like I'd usually do with some of my friends. But since you were walking rather quickly, I simply had to startle you. Kah3, sorry about that.

Anyway, I could write so many things about you but I think I'll just write some things which I would like to make myself clear, hehe.

Because you were born 27 days later than me, I always think that I need to look after you throughout the times we were in Nottingham. Kononnya la kan. Padahal diri aku sendiri pon tak terjaga. Haha. 

Muka tipikal "malas nak layan" aku kat Akmal Aliff

Masa 2nd year, kau selalu bagitau cerita-cerita sedih kat aku. Pastu, aku sedar yang kau ni banyak jugak benda-benda yang membuatkan kau down. It was at that point that I promised myself not to tell you about my own sad stories. Ada je la a few stuff yang aku cerita kat kau yang sedih, contohnya result BMedSci project yang teruk masa 3rd year but most of the time, aku cuba untuk tak cerita kat kau. Because you already had enough in your own life.. which was why I didn't tell you at all about my biggest challenge in life to date - the triple failures of 4th year that put me on the verge of suspension.

Because of that promise I made, I ended up telling you the happy things in my life. Hehe. Like when I won the poster competition in 3rd year at King's Mill Hospital, I called you immediately and it was quite silly because it was nothing grand :P Or when I got full marks for my CFU - Community Follow Up presentation, I showed you my marksheet or when I successfully performed the Moro reflex on a baby during Paeds, I happily explained to you about it and even showed you the video on YouTube. Baru sedar aku banyak cerita kat kau pasal benda medic, sian kau haha. Well, kau pon cite kat aku pasal bende engineering jugak hehe. Takpela, nanti aku bagitau kau bila aku nak kahwin nanti ^_^

When I failed in my 4th year, I actually wanted to take a reduced workload in our usrah session for the juniors. I didn't mention anything about my failures but you sort of knew what was going through in my mind and you didn't give me that many tasks really during the period of Jan-May 2013 which I really appreciated. Kau pulak dah la final year :') So thank you sebab tak bagi aku banyak kerja. And I just have to say that you were a really awesome naqib. I told Hosni that you should've become the lead naqib earlier. Maybe that's the reason why Nottingham is like this; because I wasn't good enough, wallahualam. I actually envisioned you becoming a really great murabbi in the future, inshaAllah.

Panjangya post ni. Ok, just one last thing. It's about why I requested to become the imam during Isyak at the airport :D

Sebab aku nak bacakan 2 ayat ni untuk kau. Sort of pesanan terakhir aku sebelum kau balik Malaysia:

Al-Baqarah, 2:216

Aku nak kau ingat yang walau apa pun berlaku dalam hidup, bersangka baiklah dengan Allah. Sebab ayat ni membawa mesej yang sangat positif. Dan aku nak kau sentiasa cekal & tabah dengan segala cabaran yang bakal kau hadapi kat Malaysia. It's soooo challenging, so stay strong.

At-Taubah, 9:41

Ayat ni agak popular. Infiru..Berangkatlah.. Berangkatlah Akmal Aliff, baik dengan rasa ringan maupun dengan rasa berat. Jangan berhenti okay. Keep on going & sentiasa jaga hubungan dengan Allah. Kalau rasa down, pergi ziarah ikhwah kat KL tu. Ramai kann.

Okay, tu je kot. Sat lagi nak pergi Manchester dah. Sorry sebab aku tak cakap banyak waktu kat airport. Thinking back, I never really said anything to any of my friends whom I said goodbye to and even if I did, it won't be that much.

Thanks sebab bawa usrah dengan aku for 2 years, thanks sebab jadi usrahmate aku sejak 1st year and thanks sebab selalu peluk aku :')

You always say that I don't hug you back when you give me one. The truth is, you got my hands pinned down most of the time. Huhu.

"I take his hand, holding on tightly..and dreading the moment when I will finally have to let go."

Take care Akmal Aliff. I will see you again inshaAllah...