forgiven, not forgotten

I was cleaning my room until I found this piece of paper just now. So, I shared it with my friends on mian (morning is at noon). It was written by a consultant when I did my MDD (Musculoskeletal Disorders and Disabilities aka muscle and bones stuff). This was during the Goodbye period..not that it has any relevance though.

The email by this consultant wasn't fully accurate though. He wrote "Even when shown how to examine the various joints correctly, they were then unable to reproduce this later in the morning." It should be noted that this email was sent to my supervising consultant; the one who will judge whether I pass or fail the attachment. This statement made me sound like an idiot. The truth was, I wasn't one of the students who were given the chance to do the examination again. I only managed to examine 1 patient and that was it. And about the article, well, we did explain to him we couldn't find it on Moodle (new website for medics) but hey, he just had to mention it in the email. 

Normally, I would put this consultant onto my hit list. But I decided to let it go. I threw this piece of paper into the recycling bin at Akhtar Muzhaffar's house to make sure I never get my hands on it again. You see, I always say that I have good memory on sentimental events. And truth be told, I can't really choose what I want to remember. Well, not always. Like I can remember the smell of the chicken soup which I had during my kindergarten years, the words that are said to me by a friend who is now back in Malaysia, the reaction which I had the first time it was snowing in Nottingham and also during the 3rd time for no particular reason (see, I can't choose), the smell of my friends' rooms in KMB (Hahaha, pleasant smells to be accurate. Not stinky ones), the reaction you had when you saw me during our first daurah in 3rd year (he was so excited to see me, there's now way I could have forgotten that) and so much more. I wanted to write names but I don't want anyone to be jealous, lol.

So, along with good memories, I unfortunately remember bad memories as well..effortlessly. Throughout my life, but more persistently during my medical years, I sort of established a hit list in my mind that has the names of people who have treated me badly or given me an experience which I wouldn't want to remember but I can't because of this "gift" I have. So I ended up remembering them, over and over again. Craziness. 

These bad memories.. they're technically the reason why I'm planning to leave Nottingham for my foundation years. Tapi kalau dapat jugak, takpela kan. Cause I don't want to be around a place which can easily bring me back to the time when I experienced all these not so wonderful memories. Remember my 3rd year and the backstabbing supervisor? I can't afford to give my plastic smile to her for the next couple of years. There are many other distasteful events which took place in Nottingham but I'm not going to write them cause it would only attract negative vibes.

So even though I can't get rid of these memories, at least I need to start forgiving. I need to destroy the hit list. Ever heard of a sahabah who was promised of Jannah? He forgives the wrongdoings of others towards him before he goes to bed.

What I need is to learn to let go.

And what I need is to learn to forgive...