against all odds

Today, I can officially say,

"Hello, my name's Wafi Ramli and I'm a Final Year Medical student"

Just being able to say it is just so surreal. It's such a wonderful feeling (^^,)

This has been on my whiteboard since January till May. It was my motto during my fall.

The Story

"Against all odds, Adlan Wafi is still alive. Wafi should be relieved, but now there are whispers of a rebellion against the Capitol (Medical School) - a rebellion that Wafi may have helped create.

As the nation watches Wafi, the stakes are higher than ever. One false move and the consequences will be unimaginable."

It feels like a huge boulder which I have been carrying since the 4th of January has been lifted off my back. 7 exams.. who would've thought I'd make it through. I made it, I survived May #PrayForMay 

The Journey

I have to admit, it wasn't easy studying from January till May. I sort of prevented myself from meeting my friends, avoided social activities, promised myself not to go travelling anywhere during my holiday. I guess these are all the punishments that I set for myself, for failing 75 credits and for being 5 credits away from suspension.

I was pretty selfish, haha. I had to prioritise my studying time on top of most things. Thankfully I have friends who were supportive but I also have some people who just wouldn't understand. 

The OCD

I've always had these obsessions in my mind since the day I learned my Nov results: 

"What if I had to be suspended and be left behind?", 

"What if I had to graduate a year later?" 

These thoughts kept recurring in my mind to be honest and the following thoughts commenced; 

"How do I extend my visa?", 

"Will MARA lengthen my period of study?", 

"Will they still give me allowance?",

"What work will I be doing in the period of 1 year?"

"Should I apply for work now?"

"Nanti diorang graduate without me"

And I actually applied for a job (part-time) just to be safe. It's sad. These are some of the things which I bet you didn't think that I actually have gone through.

When there are obsessions, there are compulsions:

I would be pacing in my room from minutes up to an hour the most (1 hour max because I still conscious of the fact that I need to study). 

I would be staring outside of my window when I got tired of pacing. When I was no longer tired, I would continue pacing.

Hmm.. writing these down made me think that I might actually have experienced some mild form of OCD & should probably have filled in the extenuating circumstances form.

Tapi dah pass and I don't have these thoughts anymore :)

The Push

I was pretty depressed throughout the process leading up to May. But my cheerful face doesn't seem to portray the feelings that I contained.

Did you know what gave me the push?

To learn that there are others who were in the same position as I was.

It was on a fateful day that I learned a friend of mine in my year actually failed the exact assessments as I did. It's not to make me feel that I'm not the worst person in my year but rather it made me feel that I'm not alone.

That's all that I need to tell myself. That I'm not alone as a few people also experienced the hindrances that I faced. And if they can make it through, why shouldn't I? I mean, these people were pretty optimistic so it was inspiring for me to see them being so uplifted during the months leading up to May. That gave me the drive to continue to strive.

Yeah, just to remind myself that if they can do it, I should be able to do it too.

The Exam Week 13.5.13

I just want to say thank you to everyone from mian who came to the library during the critical period. I really need you guys to ask me questions like crazy. 

The Wednesday

It was the worst exam experience ever. I had 3 exams on that day beginning with Obs and Gynae (resit) in the morning, followed by Psychiatry and Healthcare of the Elderly in the afternoon.

Or in other words which I explained to my family, "Dari orang mengandung ke orang sakit mental ke orang tua"

And when my Dad asked me, "Camne Wafi buat tu?"

I said "Entah" cause it's unbelievable I made it through the day.

I promised myself that I'm not going to forget that day & going to imprint the memory and relive the feelings whenever I doubt myself in the future. Cause it was the most inspirational moment in the exam week.

The Doa and Wishes

It was on Wednesday morning that I began telling myself that I made a mistake for resitting Obs and Gynae in May. That I should do something to postpone my exams.

Then I realized the power of doa. I need my friends to pray for me. 

And so I put up this status on FB because I really need people's support ESPECIALLY on that Wednesday. Thank you everyone for your doa, wishes and support :)

The 1 Month Holiday

I could actually do all of these but I didn't:

Study for Paeds - I didn't study that much because I know I'm the only one from mian who had to study and knowing this made me upset so I spent a lot of time with my family while I can during the holiday.

Apply for electives - In the back of my mind, there's always this voice telling me that there is a chance that I might fail Obs and Gynae again. So yeah, I didn't do much research on this part.

Study for MDD (Musculoskeletal Disorders and Disability) - I received an email saying that I had to revise during the holiday?? Gilo. I didn't even open the file because again, I don't even know I would make it into Final Year.

Instead of these 3 things, I actually spent a lot of time with my family and friends :)

And of course, food. I had Nasi Lemak almost everyday, no kidding!

The Day of Revelation

14.6.13

Kau seriously ingat aku akan bukak 7 pdf files? No way. Last time I did that, I got 3 Reds (failed assessments). So I had to ask someone who would open them up for me. Obviously it would be Faiz Khalid.

Firstly, these were his text messages which he sent after checking my results for me:

Cuba teka apa perasaan lepas tu? 

Terus tak nak bukak. Because Mak Su has invited us to go out for dinner and I didn't want to dine out in a somber mood. So, I decided to check when I get back home but he sent me a text message a few minutes later after the one above:

And I asked him directly if I actually passed ALL?

In which he replied: 

"U passed all!"

I dropped to the floor in disbelief. Then confetti started coming down from the ceiling, spotlights on me and the victory song was played out loud. If you wanna know how my reaction was, it's practically like how Jessica Robinson found out she became the first person to win 1 million dollars on Deal or No Deal (US).

I thanked Allah first and foremost. After a few minutes when I have came to my senses I checked the 7 pdf files quickly and found out I got 3 Greens (Distinctions) out of the 7. How cool is that! Alhamdulillah, I got Distinction for the Obs and Gynae Skills and Double Distinctions for Double Exams of Specials. Budak yang fail dapat Distinction. Take that Medical School!! 

The Happy Ending

Allah gave me my happy ending. I found my silver linings, alhamdulillah. It was the best possible outcome :)

My Story

I once told Amir Fikri that me failing my exams is the most difficult challenge in my life thus far and no one would want to make a film/novel about me since it's so boring. Then, I rethought about what I said, realizing how foolish I was for saying that and took them back commenting that it's good that this was my biggest challenge in life because I don't think I could survive something worse. Naudzubillah hi mindzalik. These challenges that we face in our lives are designed specifically for us to make us stronger, for us to learn and be better in the future. Allah is indeed the best planner.

And my story may not be as inspiring as John Nash with schizophrenia, Aya Kito who had spinocerebellar degeneration or Michael Oher with his struggles in life and eventually becoming an NFL player for the Baltimore Ravens. But it's inspiring enough for me to make me feel grateful for everything that I have in life. I will remember this for the rest of my life, inshaAllah.

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday, that's guaranteed. And I can't begin to explain that or the craziness inside myself and everybody else, but guess what? Sunday is my favorite day again. I think of everything everyone did for me and I feel like..a very lucky guy!"

I am fortunate to have my Mum and Dad who love me so much, my family who never stops giving support in any challenges that I faced, my friends who were crazy enough to believe in me, my teachers who are still praying for me since KMB, my readers who keep wishing me the very best and a lot of people who simply want me to do well.

So thank you Allah for giving them to me...

figure 8

You know how much I love you

Infinity

Well, infinity times infinity

8 is the symbol used to depict infinity. It's probably the figure that can best describe what is going to happen on the Day of Revelation..because I have no idea what is destined for me in the future; but my decisions thereon is going to be based on the outcome of the day. And indeed, Allah knows best.

*This post is just about me, hence the title of the blog - being me. So, if you're looking for something worthwhile, this is probably not the one to be read. 

 These are what me, Syakir, Iman, Aida and Fatimah originally meant to face in May

What Hosni, Madihah & Arina had to attempt at the same time

Because of what happened in November, this is my revised exam timetable. There's only 1 row which is not highlighted. 

8 is the number of pdf files that I have to open on the Day of Revelation.

Sure, technically I only have to open 7 pdf files since I already know the result for 1 of them but I still need to check it to find out where I stand in terms of my ranking since Nov has really pulled me down. I just noticed that I was the fourth to last person in one of the assessments in Nov.

Let's make it easier by listing down the possible outcomes on the Day of Revelation:

1. Happy Ending

This would mean I pass all 7 exams. I enter 5th Year on Monday next week. I only have one resit left - Paediatrics Knowledge in Nov 2013. I have my elective period fully intact. I will graduate in 2014. 

InshaAllah biiznillah

2. Additional penalties

This would mean I have additional number of failures from the modules of this semester:

Psychiatry - Knowledge and Skills

Healthcare of the Elderly - Knowledge

Specials - Knowledge and Skills

Any of these 5 exams can be detrimental because additional number of resits in November 2013 can be burdening since I already have one 25 credit assessment (Paeds) waiting and the Situational Judgment Test coming up in Dec 2013 & Finals in Feb 2014.

3. Relive the horror

A second failure of the Obs and Gynae module. Which means 1 failure away from being kicked out of medical school. Which means reduction in the number of weeks from the elective period. Which means having to study this module all over again.

I was crazy to take the 50 credit module at the same time with these already mentally-challenging 3 new modules.

4. Suspension

To make it into 5th Year, I need to pass at least 100 credits. Failure to meet this condition will result into a suspension for a period of 1 year. This is more or less equivalent to the "repeat year" which you heard every now and then from other medical students. 

Well, it's not really "repeat year" in Nottingham. You would be suspended and during that period of waiting you have to study for the modules that you've failed whilst you watch your peers moving onto their Final Year. Every medical school has its own shenanigans. This is Nottingham's.

Yeah, when I asked you to pray that "no one gets left behind", I was referring to me. Because I know everyone from my group - Iman, Syakir, Aida and Fatimah already have enough credits to enter 5th Year. And the situation is similar with the other people from the other group - Madihah and Hosni. Well, I do know that some of them failed one assessment but it's very unlikely they're going to screw it up, thus making me the only one vulnerable.

I took 2 resits.

I had triple exams in one day for 3 different modules.

I was unable to say, "Yeay, satu je OSCE sem ni!".

5. Alternative career

I don't want to write about this but it has been in my mind since the 4th of January. They kept recurring intermittently. They're sort of like mild obsessions.

Lastly, I just want to address the people who judged me throughout my experience. 

If you never failed any exams,

If you never had to resit at the same time as your first-sit exams,

If you never had any incidents that put you on the verge of losing your career, 

I don't think you have the right to judge me.

And wearing waistcoats and putting on my transitions glasses and eating tubs of ice cream and calling my friends on my phone whenever I want to and dressing smartly and buying KFC for my housemates and other things that I did/do actually make me feel better. So why can't you just let me be happy?

It's not like I was doing anything illegal/wrong/immoral. No, you wouldn't understand. Period.

I currently have 0 number of modules which I passed. 

Do you know how that feels? 

Thought so...

don't stop believin'

Hello readers,

I made this during the Occupational Therapy session ^_^

Guess what I did this afternoon? I've been running around my house telling my housemates that I passed my coursework. Let me rephrase that, I "THINK" I pass my coursework. In fact, this was what I said, "Aku rasa aku pass coursework aku" and then, I grinned like an idiot. So sad, I know. Pass coursework pon nak bagitau semua orang -_-"

Let me explain to you why I said, I "think":

Firstly, I noticed this news on our website..

..which technically means my MARKS will be available in the logbook. 

Secondly, my friends who did the module earlier told me that if you failed, you'd receive an email after 2 weeks of submission asking you to redo the coursework. And I didn't received any email till now but I didn't want to hold onto a false hope so I just assumed I haven't passed. Nonetheless, since I saw this news (the screenshot), I pretty much certain that I've passed my final coursework as a medical student. Alhamdulillah!!!

I'm so happy, thank you Allah. 4th Year has been a rough period (but first half of Year 3 was and will always be the worst). Huhu, I'm just so thankful right now.

Technically I have passed 25 credits (Paediatrics Skills) + 2/3 of 20 credits (HCE, Healthcare of the Elderly) = 38.3333333 credits for 4th Year, yeay! Just 141.666667 credits to go -_-"

But I'm happy really. I really need these silver linings to keep me going for the exams in the next 2 weeks. I know, maybe you would question whether I would be happy if my marks are not that high. Guess what? I think I would. 

Imagine this - someone who loves cheesecakes and hasn't had cheesecakes for years because he lives in a country without cheesecakes.

Guess what would make him/her happy? 
Fish and chips?
Tetttt. Wrong answer.

I am the person who hasn't had cheesecakes for years! I am more than happy to pass :)

I have failed so much in November that a mere pass is enough to make me smile. Don't get me wrong, my performance was definitely 1st class. Meaning.. my effort is the best that I can give but the result; is up to Allah to decide.

And almost anything that makes me happy during this period leading up to 13th of May would boost my morale. One of them would be the tile (featured photo) that I made whilst doing Psychiatry in Derby and another would be the inspirational comment given by a lovely lady which I put up on FB:

By the way, I don't actually know my actual marks. I really hope I pass. Would be so awkward if I didn't, haha. So yeah, just follow my updates on Twitter to find out more.

Silver linings keep coming my way. I really hope these 7 exams in May will be my future silver linings as well...

misery business

Today, I received an email that got on my nerves.

You see, I always try my best to attend Jumu'ah prayer (Friday prayer) ever since coming to the UK in 2009. Sure, there have been a few occasions where I was unable to attend due to lectures, surgery or emergency and by "a few", i mean extremely rarely. 

And now that I'm currently in the final specialty of Year 4 - Psychiatry (Yeay!), I noticed that the Central Teaching sessions begin usually at 1.30pm on Fridays. And this will be going on for the next 5 Fridays beginning this week. So obviously this is a huge deal for me!

Before I start telling you my story, there are 3 characters in my story: Me, NL (nice lady) and EL (evil lady).

The story begins with me emailing NL because she's the admin at RDH:

Hello, 

I noticed that the Central Teachings on Friday usually commence at 1.30pm for the afternoon session. However, on Fridays, I would have to attend the Friday prayer which is held at the Prayer Room at Royal Derby Hospital. It usually starts around 1.10pm and ends at about 1.45pm. Hence, would it be possible for me to arrive later for the afternoon session of the Central Teachings? 

Thank you. 

Best wishes, 

Wafi

After a few hours, I received the reply from NL:

Hi Adlan, 

With reference to your query about attending Friday prayers, you may attend them. However, please be mindful of the email below sent from Faculty. I hope this will not affect your study. 

Best wishes, 

NL 

______________________________________________________________________

From: EL 

Sent: Monday, April 08, 2013 10:53 AM 

To: NL

Subject: Student and prayer time 

Hi NL, The Capitol has said that it is ok but it has to be made very clear to him that he is missing valuable teaching time and that he has no come back if he fails as a result of missing this. 

Best wishes, 

EL

Ok cuba teka apa perasaan saya lepas dapat email ni?

A. Angry

B. Feels like setting fires

C. Time to start a rebellion

Yes, tepat sekali. It's so easy for people to get on my nerves nowadays and especially with my rebellious nature, it's even much easier. And Hosni is in my room right now getting on my nerves as I write this post because that's his favourite pastime.

Anyway, I feel offended when I got the email. EL could have rephrased the email in a way that could have been more polite and sensitive. Just because I failed in the past doesn't mean I will fail again. And what does "come back" even mean? I also find it offensive that she used colloquial language towards me who's using English as a second language.

It was a few moments later that I received the final email for this story which definitely made my day from NL:

A prayer :)

Terus padam segala api kemarahan dalam diri. Astagfirullah.

A prayer, a reminder that Allah is the one who will determine my result. A reminder that I have to try my best in my endeavours. A reminder that there is hope and that Allah is always with us.

So yeah, with this email, I would like to start a campaign called,  

PRAY FOR MAY

Twitter hashtag: #prayformay

Yeah, ever heard a hadith that sounds like this:

"…the dua of a muslim for his brother (in Islam) in his absence is readily accepted, and an angel is appointed to his side, whenever he makes a beneficial dua for his brother the appointed angel says “Ameen and may you also be blessed with the same” " [Muslim]

So please, pray for me and pray for us. Huhu.

Another take home message is, be adamant when it comes to you being izzah. Try your best to fulfill your duties as a Muslim especially when you're not in a country that practices Islam. And if you're living in a Muslim country, be grateful cause it's easy for you to showcase your love to Allah. Highlight your izzah to the world. Show it to everyone.  Be proud, say it loud...

if i die young

Today, I received a grave news regarding an akh which I have known since my 1st year in the UK. Although he was born in the same year as I was, he's always been so cool, so knowledgeable and so inspiring.

I remembered the times during various conferences in which I found myself observing him from a distance with other ikhwah from London. It has become a trait of mine to be an audience of "Drama Kehidupan" - a trait which I learned from my first naqib. 

Anyway, there was one daurah in Malaysia when there weren't any seniors from London but him to look after the younglings of the same locality (I was a youngling too at that time). He was just so calm and dependable. All of these Londoners seemed to look up to him. Me on the other hand, was wishing that I have someone like him from Nottingham because I kept finding myself alone without someone to look after me and I do sometimes wish that I was studying in London instead of Nottingham. It was just a few moments later when he came towards me personally to check if I was okay. 

Huhu. 

He has always been one of the people that I look up to. I know, I'm not that close to him but these few momentary events involving him were meaningful enough for them to be enlivened in my mind. It's probably because we were united under the same cause.

His death made me cognizant of all the silly things I did in my life. It reminded me that I still have time to right my wrongs..that I still have time to act, to actually contribute.

Life is too short to worry about petty things. It's usually when someone else's is over that you realize how trivial your issue was.

Dear Muhd Nur Iman Shafiq Abd Rahman, you always have and always will be an inspiration to everyone you have touched in your life especially to those in this road less traveled by. May your life and death be an ibrah to us..and I pray that you will be in Allah's blessings~

p.s. Still remember the time when you woke me up for Subuh during a daurah by calling me, "Wafi". Your tone of voice filled with care and concern; reminded me that I too have someone who looks after me...

true

Yesterday was the last day of my Dermatology attachment..which means the last day for me to wear my coolest ID badge. I have a lot of ID badges as a medical student (in order of receipt):

- my university card
- QMC (Queen's Medical Centre, my medical school)
- NHS Smart Card
- NCH (Nottingham City Hospital)
- RDH (Royal Derby Hospital)

Yet, this one from Nottingham NHS Treatment Centre is my favourite of them all. In the end, I have to return it back to Security.

-END-

In our life, we will go through various phases of life where we will be developing our personality and acquiring new traits. Some of these characteristics can be very likable, fond of and even jealous of. On the other hand, some of them can be quite unpopular, rude and even might drive people away from you.

What I want to say is, no matter what personality you eventually decided to settle with, try to remember that it's Allah that you want to please ultimately. Keep the good features that you have and scrape the negative ones as quickly as you can. Because in the end, we will return to Him..

Before I go, as you can see, I've changed my blog design and of course, my blog name as well - Silver Linings Rebellion. It sounds kinda cool. I mean, if I were to start a political party, I think I would give this name to it. Yeah, right. I'll talk more about it in the next post. Till then, stay true to who you are...

hold it against me

Whenever I commit a fault during my driving lessons, my instructor would say "I would hold it against you for.. (insert the fault here)". It was his favourite sentence!

You see, when I drive around in a manual car, I still suffer from palpitations even though I have been learning to drive in the UK since September last year. Because driving is a skill and after so many years of not driving a manual car, the skill somehow starts to diminish. And it has been quite difficult for me to become acquainted in using the invention called "the clutch". 

Skills. Believe it or not, an average person is a master of multiple skills. What differs one individual from another is the level of competency. Let's look at some of my skills:

1. Communication skills

I'd say I have good communication skills. That's the reason why I got high marks for this module in the first 2 years. Even during my OSCEs (Objective Structured Clinical Examination), the examiners would give good comments regarding my history-taking skills. But even though it's good, I still failed the exam last year because it's not assessing my skills but rather my knowledge which makes me think that they should have called it another KNOWLEDGE exam instead of skills. Never mind, this is my rebellion against my medical school.

So some people would think that I'm an extrovert rather than an introvert in social gatherings when I'm consciously using this skill. Yet most of the time, my personality overpower my competency and thus, me being me - a happy and quiet introvert.

2. Language skills

I've always thought I have good English. This notion was proven wrong when I began my CP1 (Clinical Phase 1) in my 3rd Year. I've talked about this in my previous university blog. I guess I haven't really embraced the social linguistics of the English culture. The key is practice. It would be such a shame if I don't get to improve my English after been given the opportunity to study here since 2009.

3. DF skills

DF is dakwah fardiyah. Google this to find out more ;)

It should actually come natural to me to do this particular skill cause it's supposed to be my forte. But probably because I have been distracted with so many challenges (ie exams and failures!!!), I probably have overlooked the need to practice this skill. Have I given up? No not really. I think it's because I lack motivation. Shame on me! I love making people's days. This is my cup of tea really.

Conclusion

You know yourself better; you know the skills that you have. The 3 things that you need to bear in mind are - practice, motivation and perseverance. 

Just realised that this conclusion relates to my ultimate challenge in May. Heh.

It's hard to wake up every morning thinking about what would happen in May. On the bright side, every now and then, Allah sends me a silver lining to keep me going. And today, I received one of the best silver linings I could ever wished for during this difficult period, alhamdulillah :)

Every cloud has a silver lining. All you need is the willingness to search for yours...

give your heart a break

..cause I do think I need it~

Yesterday, I Skyped home to show my little brother some snow because I didn't think I showed him any since I came to the UK O_o

And it was delightful to see that he still does this repetitive finger grasping movements towards the clump of snow that I was holding (during the Skype call). He would usually do this particular movement whenever he wanted to get a hold of something when he was a toddler. Little that I know that he does it even until now. You might not know this, but I do like doing certain things just because I want to remember either consciously or unconsciously a certain individual. It was during the National Conference in November last year that I realized that I was doing this movement (though my brother would use both of his hands, I would only use one) when I tried to call out to my friends. I was pretty busy at that time since I was handling the conference so I had to get the attention of a lot of people and that's when I started doing it. 

I'm allowed to play with the snow outside okay..

Anecdotes aside, let's move on to the main topic of today's post. Due to my current circumstance, I have to work even harder than before. I mean, I just failed 100 credits (I'm not sure if I had failed 75 or 100 credits since I have 2 modules worth 50 credits each and 4 exams in total. So I just went with the bigger number so that I won't be playing around for the resit). 

My resits will be at the same time with the 3 new modules that I'm taking this semester, worth 80 credits in total. I am deciding to defer one exam, most probably Paediatrics Knowledge to November after listening to the opinions of my peers on morning is at noon (our secret group). So technically, I am sitting for exams worth 130 credits (80 + 50 [failed]) on the week commencing the 13th of May 2012. So yeah, crazy stuff.

Hence, it is only logical that I should reduce the tasks that I currently have.

First, I said goodbye to my cool Psychiatry supervisor by telling him that I won't be able to conduct the research anymore. Next, I considered quitting the role as Barnardo's Independent Visitor but that wouldn't be fair for the child that I'm visiting. Well, I went to see him yesterday and he said that he thinks he no longer needs an Independent Visitor :O Did someone tell him that I failed my exams? Haha, I think Allah's plan is just tooooo perfect. He said that he is now in a stable environment (he has moved to a new foster home) and happy with the people around him; which I am definitely pleased to hear as well. I've been meeting him since last year and happy to see that he is now so optimistic about the future. So yeah, I'm gonna email my coordinator saying that the child is pleased with his new place and I can just focus on my medical life.

Plus, in March/April, my positions as the Secretary for IMAM (Islamic Medical Association of Malaysia) and an unnamed post for EMSY (a super cool secret organization) will finally come to an end. Just realized that I've been holding both of these positions for the past 2 years; with the latter having a bigger workload. Hopefully, I will be less stressful and more focused on passing 130 credits worth of exams. Gulp.

I also won't be going anywhere for Easter holidays. Cause I want to use all the time that I have to focus on my exams + resits. 

Furthermore, to the people I care, I'm sorry but you're probably not going to see me that much after this. For me to continue staying in the UK and for me to help the ummah, I have to survive this battle first. But when I win it, we'll meet up okay!

I have to work my hardest. I have to do everything I can and if I stay positive, I have a shot at a silver lining, inshaAllah...

don't dream it's over

I planned to write this post before the revelation but I couldn't think of what to be written. Now that almost 24 hours have passed since the revelation, I think I'm ready to write something down. After all, this was what my Dad said on the phone just now, "Wafi kalau nak tweet, tweet je. Kalau nak blog, blog je macam biasa. Tak payah malu." At first, I thought he wanted me to stop tweeting silly stuff or reduce my writing on being me. It's the opposite actually, haha and apparently, my Dad completely knows about my online social life. So yeah, I'm wrting this now because you asked me to..

wilted flowers

by

Adlan Wafi

So yeah, I called my Mum and Dad this morning particularly because calling them yesterday would mean calling them at night in Malaysia. And I'm not telling them something pleasant. Hence, the reason for the delay. 

My Mum answered the phone and I made sure she wasn't doing anything. She can sort of tell what I'm about to say. Then I said it in one go, "Mak, Wafi fail 3 exam". She kept saying the word "takpe" for so many times that I couldn't recall how long it was. She was trying to console me by telling me that it's fine. She reminded me that "Allah uji kita sebab dia tahu kita tahan". 

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity..."

(Al-Baqarah, 2:286)

She said it is better for me to suffer now rather than in the future, that I'm going to deal with people's lives in the future. So, it's okay to fail now. She also said that my life journey has been smooth and this is probably the first time I faced with a difficulty in academic terms. 

Then, it was time for my Dad to take over the phone conversation. He mentioned about hikmah. He basically talked about 22:73 about flies which you can happily read here and also about cattle of how Allah submits them to us for our use which is described in 36:71-72 and 43:12-13. He also said that he doesn't mind of what I want to become, an engineer, an accountant, a doctor etc. He just wants me to reach my dream, whatever it may be. But first and foremost, a servant to Allah.

He also told me that he kept bringing his iPad around with him yesterday waiting for my Facetime call. It reminded me of a character from a TV series whom is a father who kept bringing his son's picture around when his son went to war. Well, I'm not going to war but this is my battle.

"It's a different ball game now"

Ayah, 5th of January 2013

That's true Ayah. I'm going to focus and I'm surely not giving up.

And then I talked to my Mum again, in which she wants me to know that I don't have to worry about them. I just have to take care of myself. 

That was it. It was such a long phone call with so many reminiscences of the past by my mum and dad which include:

- how everything went well for UPSR, PMR, SPM, IB

- how I got my choice of university

- that there's a reason why I was involved in a car crash by the age of 20

- about my bestfriends O_o and my social support

- about how I usually cried when I was little and Dad would ask me to smile at the end of our conversation

That's true Mak, "there's a reason for everything".

To all my friends who talked to me since yesterday, thank you for all your support and prayers. I've been talking to friends who are already doctors, doing a PhD, peers and even my housemates. Received some tweets, Viber messages, Whatsapp..you name it, I got it. I know I told you guys to keep it low but with this published blog post, you no longer need to keep it as a secret.

I'll be fine inshaAllah. After all, I do smile a lot. And this hindrance is just going to make me stronger. I will stay strong Mak.

That's all for now. I shall end this post with a quote from Tariq Ramadan, "And remember, don't forget to tell the people you love that you love them". Cause that's exactly what my Dad did before he said goodbye...