hold on

As always, since there is an unspoken (yeke?) tradition on my blog, the 23rd and final post for the year.

I think I want to write about the recent daurah. Not the daurah itself but about the conversation I had with some of the doctors from Ireland. Well, the 2 doctors whom usually ask me about my medical life would definitely be Dr Ateeq and Dr Zaquan. So yeah, Dr Ateeq kept wishing me all the best with my final year studies. He always asks me about my progress when we meet up but truth be told, I just don't know how to answer it, hahaha. Simply because I'm not so confident with myself, heh. And it's great to have someone who keeps asking you about your progress despite you not having a proper answer for it :P I mean, I've known Ateeq even before I flew to the UK (I was with Syukri Choki2 when he made a phone call to invite us to go to Kamal bookstore. But we were already on our way to Genting Highlands at that time XD ) and I went to his wedding during the first summer holiday. Our encounters have always been brief but it was enough for him to remember me, lol. And yeah, he assured me that it's normal to feel that there are so much to be covered. So I still have hope, yeah!!

And Dr Zaquan? I met him for the first time when my no. 5 was just blessed with a baby boy and we were on our way to QMC. That's when I learned that he's actually the husband of the twin of my no. 3's wife. Did that make sense? I hope so, haha. I told Syuk about the fact that I've just learned (okay, banyak pulak mention nama Syuk) and that's when we sort of made a plan that we shall try to find twins to become our wives. Because if we're married to twins, then we can see each other more often, hahaha. To be honest, it was a pretty good idea and I was into it for some time. Then I told Syuk that if our wives were siblings, that would work out as well, hehe. But that's that; Syuk and I have a long history of having crazy ideas. 

OHCM, maybe from now on I should start reading this ONLY ;|

Let's get back to Dr Zaquan. I like him, he's pretty cool. He actually gave me so many tips to prepare for Finals that I sort of gave my shocker face :O in the end of our conversation cause it sounds like I have so much to do, huhu. He said that I need to do 3000 questions before Finals. My reaction, "WHAT?!". Since I only have till February, he said I could do 100 questions per day! :O See...shocker face, hahaha. He said that I should at least read the whole OHCM book before Finals which I think is reasonable. It's the kind of advice which I heard from previous seniors from Nottingham as well. He also commented that the final year medics from Ireland "tak nak pergi daurah (referring to this one)" and naturally, I backed them up saying that "diorang nak exam dah tu, huhu". I mean, the reason of why I attended this recent event was because I haven't been to a lot of them (national ones particularly) -_-" Ok, don't judge me, huhu. Since my failures from November last year, I took the time during weekends to prepare for my redemption in May 2013 in which I did well, alhamdulillah and again for November this year for the remaining 4th year exam. Bila result nak keluar???

That's when I realized that I feel bad for using medicine as a reason to be busy. So, I would like to apologize to everyone if I seemed to be selfish for using my academic matters as an excuse. I'm not one of those people who are so good in managing multiple tasks at one time. I'm okay with organization but when I have too many things on my plate, that's when I get distressed. That's why my dad wants me to send the car to be fixed after my Finals, he wants me to focus on #FebFinals first. 

Oooo, there's a car? Haha, we'll talk about this later.

And look what I've got from someone special :D

Sorry, I wanted to give you something but I couldn't just choose what. Next time iA (^^,)

And my recent post on my friends who have left was probably because of the experience of not seeing them at our conferences (daurah). It was just so weird not seeing the familiar faces but I' m okay, heh.

That's the end of 2013. I'm holding on to April...

it will rain

This post was written a long time ago when Alif Ramli left me. It is a dedication to my friends who went back to Malaysia.

I didn't want to publish this at that time because I already made a lot of posts about people leaving and bla3. Don't want people to think that I have a mental illness. So I postponed its publication to the last few days of 2013, hehe.

-BEGIN-

Yesterday was the day that Alif flew back to Malaysia. And with that, I can now write this post hehe..

It's September.. it's the month of new beginnings and the time to welcome new people into my life. Easier said than done, that is if you are one of my close friends and know how difficult it is for me to accept new people into my social network. Many have tried and failed miserably - ok, ni poyo. 

My cover photo

"People always leave"

That's what I wrote on my whiteboard since I said goodbye to Faiz Khalid. I didn't know why I wrote it though. I guess it's a constant reminder to me that I have to be prepared for the time to say goodbye. When Faiz left, it was such a horrible experience. It's like first year all over again. The peculiar feeling of emptiness. I mean, he only went back to Malaysia, it's not like he's going to the North pole, lol. But yeah, I guess I'm going to miss the times that he used to call me, the times when we talked about our mutarabbi and I have to get used to not seeing you at our conferences anymore.

And then, Aiman Ismail. Aku tak rindu kau Aiman, seriously. Hahaha. Sebab kau selalu call aku. So it's good, it's like you're still here but just 12 hours of flight away. I don't know why my phone callers have to leave me first. But I still have one around here. So I'll be fine iA. And Aiman, aku rasa macam nak balik Malaysia je sekarang & jumpa kau. But until that day comes, take care of yourself ok ;)

Raja Abdullah Hakim and Alif Ketam

Then, it's Raja Abdullah Hakim's turn. I really really really appreciate that you and the others came to my graduation :D That you remembered my invitation from first year just made me feel happy to know that I'm not the only one with good memories, haha. And when you gave me the video of when I was walking on the stage on my graduation, I turned it into my inspiration. I watched that video over and over again when I was preparing myself for my 2nd chance in May 2013. It gave me the motivation to keep on going..that I will be doing it again in 2014, iA. And I also remember the time when I suddenly had an emotional outburst when I came to visit you guys in Manchester after visiting my mum. It was definitely because I had a tough time after the exams in November 2012 #RememberNovember. I think the outburst was reasonable; after all I did fail 100 credits ;P It was so funny and random but I just needed someone to talk to hahaha. And you handled that really well.

Then, it was Ikhwan Moeiid's turn. One thing about introverts like me is that it's hard for me to start a conversation. So when Moeiid was the one who talked to me first at a tom yam restaurant in KL in 2010, I began to appreciate him as a friend. The dinner was meant for seniors to get to know the juniors (read: DF) but a that time, we got to know each other. So yeah, that was awesome. And if you remember the time when I gave you a Mars chocolate egg during our first MPN; I know...it was out of the blue. It wasn't planned. I simply bought it at a fuel station when we were on our way and I planned to give it to any ikhwah that I would like to when I reached the venue. And I knew that your birthday was just a few days ago, so I chose you. Then, I made it a tradition of giving you chocolate eggs during MPN haha..except this year cause I didn't attend due to my #PrayforMay endeavour.

And it's Abdur Rahim. Well, you went on the same day with Fadhir Tahar. So, it was double farewell for me. Rahim, you know I would have come to the airport if you chose a weekend flight. That week was the last week of my attachment and it's hard to skip it like I did for Faiz Khalid or Akmal Aliff. And I still remember that you have a keychain to give me. Ok kidding. And I'm quite disappointed with myself that I didn't manage to bake a cake for your birthday. I really do. Because I did say that I wanted to. And you yourself managed to make tiramisu for me?! That was fantastic. I mean, who would make tiramisu for me? Hahaha. But thank you for remembering this promise after you cheated on a game that we played at JOM 2010 ;D Just on a side note, me and Faiz agreed to cheat in the game anyway after you left to join the winners, hahaha.

Then, there's Fadhir. Sorry Fadhir sebab still tak call until now huhu. Somehow, my trip to Newcastle in 2012 is still pretty vivid in my mind. The nasi lemak, the cows, the bridge, the cloudy weather, your awesome bedroom carpet - are just so clear in my mind. And I really like the gift from you cause I've been searching for something like that for quite some time but just couldn't choose one. And I use it everyday before I go to hospital. It's an awesome gift to make people remember you, haha. It's too bad that we couldn't run The Amazing Race together because firstly, we're not Americans lol and secondly, the Asian edition is cancelled -_-" But we did have a wonderful time designing The Amazing Race for SCUK 2012. It was definitely one of my favourite projects till date. Sorry that I didn't want to include the U-turn. I just didn't want people to have bad feelings heh. And it was funny that you fell asleep next to me the night before The Amazing Race after you actually searched on YouTube for some inspiration. I was like, "Oh, come on. I'm not a boring partner". Haha, but yeah, thanks for picking up the phone whenever I gave you a ring :)

It's Ahmad Syafiq Hamzi turn next. I don't know why you're so obsessed with your name being mentioned in my blog :P Haha, I remember when you said that, "aku mimpi aku masuk dalam blog kau", lol Capek! Or you keep on teasing that I'm going to write a certain incident on my blog. Seriously, this blog is not that popular at all but I wrote one for you anyway hehe. Do you remember the time when you chose me as your emergency point of contact/next of kin at the A&E? Aku terharu sorang-sorang kah3. No, seriously. I told Akmal Aliff about it and he lol-ed (read: past tense of lol) as well. Maybe I was sleepy at that time so I kinda have no control over my feelings ;P And thanks for the messages on FB. Unlike some of the people in this post, they just don't write to me! Lol, ok kidding. But really, thank you. You're probably the person who I usually harass first when I visit you guys in Manchester just because your room was on the ground floor. Now that you guys are not around, I'm struggling to find a reason for me to go to Manchester.

Obviously Akmal Aliff's departure would affect me so much. After all, I came with him to Nottingham. So the feeling of emptiness was heightened when he left. And budak Notts ingat aku depress sebab aku tak dapat buat begedil, lol. Sebab kitorang ada open house a few days after your departure. I didn't tell anyone about this but I stayed in Nazmi's room when we were preparing for the open house for quite a long time cause I suddenly felt empty. And Bear even said that I looked depressed and he asked Syakir to diagnose me :P But I'm glad that you have a job now. So all is well iA. And I believe everything will be fine.

And it was Muhammad Hakim Razali's turn. I've always considered you as the person that I hang out with quite often during our summer break. Too bad I couldn't go home every year. We could have have had so much fun! Well, that's the price of being a medic. And I do remember that you kept saying a few times that I went to Liverpool without seeing you. It's funny cause the statement holds true till today haha. Even when I went to Liverpool to send Faiz off, I found out that you were with your family in another country heh. I guess we are only meant to meet each other in Selangor, haha. So yeah, I'm going to hold on to the plan that we're going to meet up next time.

Muhamad Alif Ramli. The last person to leave me. Lol. Well, I know you kept mentioning that I ignored you when we were in MRSM TGB..that I usually walked past your classroom when you were sweeping the floor (I have to say that you have a really fascinating imagination haha); that we weren't that close back then..which was true. But we did become closer in the UK. That firstly I met you at MARA headquarters on the year before we flew off, and I met you again when I came to my 2nd choice university for the first time and from thereon it just clicked. Do you remember the time when you sent me a message on FB sometime in June 2012? I was like, "Apa la Alif nak dari aku??" Haha, it wasn't anything personal because aku selalu cop ikhwah kalau tanya khabar mesti nak bagi kerja. Kah3. But apparently you just wanted to know how I was doing. And we did that a few times as well over FB message and yeah, it was nice to do that because I'm an introvert and I do better with writing heh. Aku still nak tulis something kat kau every now and then masa 5th year ni (macam aku nak call Fadhir) tapi still tak dapat-dapat sebab terlupa or ada something else that I needed to do at that time heh.

Ok tu je kot. Panjang dah post ni. My friends who left me in my 3rd year, I still remember you guys okay, Ahmad Shahrul Kamal, Za'ba, Ikmal Nordin, Yazid Fauzi, Syahir Jamaluddin, Qassim, Khalil, Amir Aiman and so many others (jangan terasa pulak kalau aku tak tulis nama korang haha). Yang dah kahwin, I don't mind that much because I know you guys are in good hands heheh. And as well as for those who left me in 4th year but it felt like I haven't seen you guys since 3rd year, Rasydan Fitri, Izdihar Zuhdi, Muzhafar Hamzah, Andhar, Muzal and so many others! But I think I should stop now. Huhu.

Just before I leave, just want to make it clear that it's not only hard for those who were left behind; but apparently it is just as hard for those who actually left. These past few months have taught me that.

Tambahan: By the way, I actually wrote the names of you guys in a list of friends that I will contact personally if I pass my exams back then in November 2012. But I failed dreadfully; so I didn't get to do that at all.

-END-

I think it already rained..but I'm holding on to another day...

don't stop

It's easy to lose focus..and it's easy to give up.

But what you need is to remind yourself of the small wins that you're experiencing as you're making your way to your final challenge. It's more of like asking yourself to count your blessings. So you know you have things that keep you going.

These are my new running shoes which I will use once I go back to Malaysia in April. I don't know why I put the pics here but I love the colours haha. And no, I didn't go out today on Boxing Day but instead I stayed at home reading about haemorrhoids. Seriously.

Take me for example, here are some of my small wins:

• I survived May!
• I got 100% for my audit project and I'm a nominee for a prize (^^,)
• I only have 6 MACCS left to be done. MACCS is Mandatory Assessment of Core Clinical Skills which everyone needs to complete before facing the finals.
• I'm in QMC till #FebFinals
• I am now a member of an OSCE group which is actively practising on a weekly basis. OSCE stands for Objective Structured Clinical Examination and it's technically the practical/skills part of the exam. I faced this since my first year and so did every other medical students.
• I managed to answer all of the questions for my SJT exam. It stands for Situational Judgement Test and it's the 50% that determines my ranking compared against everyone who's hoping to get a job next year in the UK.
• I did quite okay during the Patient Workshop (it basically means mock test)
• I'm still determined and I will have my revenge ;P

A lot of good things are happening around you. So stop for a while and appreciate them. Make them count. These morale boosters e.g. like a friend coming over to your house (I failed to persuade my bestfriend to come and study with me :P) or having a turkey for dinner with friends or just being able to spend time with your mum, family, friends or cute little children; they're the ones that should make you feel motivated and help you to persevere in keeping your eye on the prize.

Impossible is nothing

I can assure you Adidas did not pay me for publicity

"So glorify the Praises of your Lord, and ask for His Forgiveness. Verily, He is the One Who accepts the repentance and forgives"

(An-Nasr, 110:3)

As for me, I'm aiming to go home in April...

move along

Last Monday, 25th of November 2013, I faced my little demons - Paediatrics Knowledge for the 2nd time. It's the only 4th year exam left for me to pass.

Kan best kalau 5th Year kena fokus kat module ni je. Tapi takpe, ada hikmahnya iA :)

The day began perfectly. I said goodbye to my mum, wore my pyjamas and left the house to my exam venue - Trent Buidling, which I have to say is one of the poshest place to do your exam. The weather's not too cold, the autumn leaves looked pretty and the birds were singing but they pooped several metres from where I was walking. That made me think, what would I do if they pooped onto me. I thought I'd just go to the toilet to wash my hair but another thought came up where I'd just go to the exam venue with the birds' poops so at least I can sabotage the people sitting within 2 metre radius from where I'd be sitting. That way, I have a higher chance of passing. That's when I realized what the Capitol the medical school has done to me and some of my friends. They turned our exams into the hunger games! Making us selfish and think about ourselves only. It's horrible, they make us fight amongst each other so we won't end up in the dreaded bottom 10% (tapi Paeds last year was more than 10%). After all, the people who ended up in the bottom are not usually saved from the red mark. Ok, enough conspiracies, let's get back to the main story.

So I did the exam in the computer room. I've chosen the perfect location - not facing a lot of people cause I can get distracted really easily by the invigilators' motions. No, seriously. I logged in but unfortunately, an error occurred. So the invigilator asked me to move to another computer. Bye-bye perfect spot. Logged in again and another error occured. Third time and still inaccessible. "You may begin" said the chief invigilator. Thanks lah invigilator! I tried 5 computers in total and then, he decided to call the Capitol. I meant the headquarters or whatever. I logged in using a guest username and my password was the name of a colour. Seriously, I don't like where this was going. So I started 9 minutes later than everyone else. You know what that means..when the time ends for these students, they are going to create such a ruckus. So I was determined to finish at the same time as they would in which I was successful, yeay! The 9 minutes later weren't of much use though. Didn't change my answers that much. Only used the time to make sure that I've answered everything. 

All in all, there were 9 X-rays (crazy! this is not a radiology exam), psych and derm questions (which I had to use my knowledge from the previous year) and MDD (it wasn't rheumatology though; it was the weird and the wonderful). At the end of the exam, I really hope that it would be something that I really know for sure that I'm going to pass, like a "feel good exam" but there has never been an exam of this type since the clinical phase begins. I was not in the mood after the exam but I tried to put on a happy face. Then, I decided that there's no use worrying too much about something in the past especially if the result is still unknown. So I decided to try and forget it and just focus on my Finals. I sort of came up with a new campaign and hashtag (like I always do since I failed in January earlier this year):

FEBRUARY FINALS!

#FebFinals

Just humour me, okay. My friend told me that I needed a distraction. What better way than to focus on the Finals. I'm quite nervous to be honest. Because I have a lot of catching up to do. I'd say that I'm 40% ready for the Finals. But I'm not giving up because I still have time - I call this my 10 week challenge!

8 weeks shown in the photo for my final attachment in Surgery and 2 weeks of holiday in December which I determined to utilise it to catch up with my peers. It's the 10 week challenge!

The countdown to Finals starts now...