fix you

Ok, this post is meant to clarify my tweets since the past few days.

If you looked at this post, you'd know that I was ready to get whatever result for my Honours Year Project...well, I was. Of course, in my mind, the mark that I imagined would be somewhere within the average range. But when I looked into the portal, I was surprised to see that it was so low. Yeah, I was devastated at that time. I've already decided to focus on my BMBS (the 2nd and the main degree) but that low mark made me feel so hopeless. Using the previous year's mark distribution as a guidance, that means, I'm in the bottom 10% of the batch. This is the first time I'm in the bottom 10%. If I'm in a reality show, I'm inches away from elimination.

So yeah, I tweeted some of my expressions hoping to attract my friends' attention. Yeap, when I tweet, I'm actually letting my friends know that I need some morale boosting. Bukan untuk menarik perhatian umum dan menjadi popular! 

On the same day, Dr Har and Dr Hafidzah came to Nottingham to deliver some motivational talks. What are the odds? The 2nd revelation of my exam results happened on the same day as this event -_-" Dah la aku kena jadi emcee.

It was motivational really when Dr Har said that "orang beriman kalau mendapat kesukaran, dia tahu Allah sedang menguji dia". I did feel much better after the talk. Allah sent me Dr Har on the same night I found out about my result.

Tau tak...bila saya dapat homebase Microbiology and Infectious Diseases, saya bagitau kat kawan-kawan (ie Izzul Faiz) yang the only aims for me were to get my project published and to get 1st class. I said to him that, "Yelah, dah tak suka. Fokus untuk dapat result elok je la and publish". Cause I know I wouldn't enjoy doing my project. This conversation took place during summer last year.

My aims were:

- to get published

- to get 1st class

Well, it's obvious I didn't get it published. The project was a microbiological fiasco. And 1st class? *coughs* waaaaayyyyy far from that mark.

Sedih betul cerita ni. Macam drama Melayu di mana watak utama dia kena badi and then semua orang keliling dia jadi lumpuh, kena langgar kereta, syarikat muflis, mak tiri buli etc.

Tu lah dia, kegagalan Adlan Wafi. Oh, saya tak fail ye. Lagipun, mana boleh fail. Kalau fail apa jadi? Orang tu kena repeat projek untuk 8 bulan lagi? Kesian orang tu.

So anyway, I felt better on Friday...until I opened up the feedback envelope which I received from Fadh who collected in on my behalf since my hospital is like so far away.

I looked at my disseration mark...not bad. I was happy to see the comment from Dr Shanika Crusz. She's so supportive and understanding. My viva mark was predictable. I didn't really performed. And my supervisor's mark?

TOTAL SHOCKER!

She decided to give me the lowest mark I have ever obtained in the whole 3 years of my medical course. I felt like my heart was stabbed with a pipette. I know she was being professional but I didn't really think that my performance was really that bad. Upon looking at the feedback, there were only 2 sentences written negatively about me. I was so baffled! I kept looking at the feedback every now and then to check if there was an error...she might have chosen the mark by mistake, it might have been incorrectly entered into the system, whatever the possible mistakes could be. I was in ultimate denial. Cause what I felt whilst meeting her didn't correlate to this result.

I know, I could email her asking for clarification but no, I don't want to be affiliated with her in any ways after this. I emailed a friend of mine who had her as a supervisor as well and I'll wait for his response to see if his mark was as bad as mine.

It's so heartbreaking really. I don't even think I can face her anymore (not that I see her nowadays). In my mind, she's like Darth Vader or Aizen Taichou. Sorry, I could not think of any female characters who became evil and hurt those who believed in them at the moment.

 Source: dreager1

Source: deviantart

So the main reason why I'm all so depressed is because I was let down by the person whom gave me hopes when all I see in the lab was torture. I tweeted her name over and over again when I did my project cause she was so motherly..she was one of the reasons why I still have the spirit to go to the lab early in the morning and even to make me withstand the workload even though it was already 9 pm. She was my inspiration...now she's someone whom I wish I could forget.

On the bright side, Fikri got me a cake trying to cheer me up =)

My hopes were crushed by the very person whom gave them to me in the first place. It's the feeling that I wish none of you would ever have to experience cause it's just so painful. I'm torn asunder...