forgiven, not forgotten

I was cleaning my room until I found this piece of paper just now. So, I shared it with my friends on mian (morning is at noon). It was written by a consultant when I did my MDD (Musculoskeletal Disorders and Disabilities aka muscle and bones stuff). This was during the Goodbye period..not that it has any relevance though.

The email by this consultant wasn't fully accurate though. He wrote "Even when shown how to examine the various joints correctly, they were then unable to reproduce this later in the morning." It should be noted that this email was sent to my supervising consultant; the one who will judge whether I pass or fail the attachment. This statement made me sound like an idiot. The truth was, I wasn't one of the students who were given the chance to do the examination again. I only managed to examine 1 patient and that was it. And about the article, well, we did explain to him we couldn't find it on Moodle (new website for medics) but hey, he just had to mention it in the email. 

Normally, I would put this consultant onto my hit list. But I decided to let it go. I threw this piece of paper into the recycling bin at Akhtar Muzhaffar's house to make sure I never get my hands on it again. You see, I always say that I have good memory on sentimental events. And truth be told, I can't really choose what I want to remember. Well, not always. Like I can remember the smell of the chicken soup which I had during my kindergarten years, the words that are said to me by a friend who is now back in Malaysia, the reaction which I had the first time it was snowing in Nottingham and also during the 3rd time for no particular reason (see, I can't choose), the smell of my friends' rooms in KMB (Hahaha, pleasant smells to be accurate. Not stinky ones), the reaction you had when you saw me during our first daurah in 3rd year (he was so excited to see me, there's now way I could have forgotten that) and so much more. I wanted to write names but I don't want anyone to be jealous, lol.

So, along with good memories, I unfortunately remember bad memories as well..effortlessly. Throughout my life, but more persistently during my medical years, I sort of established a hit list in my mind that has the names of people who have treated me badly or given me an experience which I wouldn't want to remember but I can't because of this "gift" I have. So I ended up remembering them, over and over again. Craziness. 

These bad memories.. they're technically the reason why I'm planning to leave Nottingham for my foundation years. Tapi kalau dapat jugak, takpela kan. Cause I don't want to be around a place which can easily bring me back to the time when I experienced all these not so wonderful memories. Remember my 3rd year and the backstabbing supervisor? I can't afford to give my plastic smile to her for the next couple of years. There are many other distasteful events which took place in Nottingham but I'm not going to write them cause it would only attract negative vibes.

So even though I can't get rid of these memories, at least I need to start forgiving. I need to destroy the hit list. Ever heard of a sahabah who was promised of Jannah? He forgives the wrongdoings of others towards him before he goes to bed.

What I need is to learn to let go.

And what I need is to learn to forgive...

gone

I'm currently in my new attachment. It's called GP - General Practitioner. It's basically me going to clinics and having fun meeting patients. Moreover, I'm technically halfway to my February Finals but I'm also 6 weeks to my 2nd Chance for Paeds exam. It's scary and overwhelming at the same time. Because I'm not only dealing with my academic matters at the moment but so many others. For one, I have to rank 21 Unit of Applications (UoAs) aka the place where I will be doing my foundation training for 2 years after graduation. Vital stuff. Truth be told, when I said goodbye to my friends during the past few months, it definitely made me want to return to Malaysia even sooner -_-" But I'm realistic, so I'm going to persevere with my initial plan and I know that my friends would want me to follow my dream.

I had this on my whiteboard for months until just now..

In the past few months, I have a feeling that Allah has been giving me some hints about new characters which will play more important roles in my life - people who would be new additions into my social network. People who have played minor roles in my life previously, people who have been recurring characters in the past but they suddenly popped out of nowhere and indirectly hinting that they're going to have a bigger role in the future. Well, we just have to wait and see about that. 

This is the place where Fadhir Tahar took me when I went to visit him during my 2 week holiday. At least, I got to meet him in Newcastle whilst he was there huhu.

I feel as if my life is a drama, that I'm still the same character in the same series for years. My friends whom I've said goodbye to have move on to their own shows and spin-offs. In addition, there are also new characters introduced who are probably going to be featured in the upcoming season. 

How melodramatic.

Well, I have lost at least 10 friends over the summer. Ok, maybe "lost" is not the right word but you know what I mean. 

And these friends that I've said goodbye to; are not just random friends. They're the people who I can easily Whatsapp, text, call or FaceTime, the people who I wouldn't be embarrassed to give chocolates in public for no apparent reason, who I'd give souvenirs when I return from my trips, who I can share my secrets and know that they will keep them, who I can happily enjoy the silence between us and know that it can never be awkward (and this is very important for an introvert like me), who I can just express what I'm feeling without the fear of being judged and who I always look forward to meet when I go to our conferences or projects but now, I know that you guys won't be there & I have to get used to this..

Sure, some of my friends have left last year but it wasn't as bad as this year's. Maybe because there weren't as many as the ones who left this year. This year, it's just..too much.

So yeah, I'm sorry you have to read this. In fact, you might be reading about the same thing again and again because I just can't move on. Just kidding, I am moving on..albeit rather slowly.

Imagine losing that many close friends in a short period of time. It's crazily difficult.

People always leave and sometimes, they don't come back. But that's okay. Because we believe in Allah and we're going to work our way to attain his blessings and hopefully iA, gain entry to his Jannah.

I guess I am a bit clingy. So don't worry, you're not the only one...

wake me up when september ends

Today was the last day for me to go to Derby. Alhamdulillah, I've been in Derby since January 2013. Imagine how long that has been! I have to say that Derby is definitely one of the best places to gain clinical knowledge. I still remember the time when I reached Derby for the first time..

I'm not sure why I put up this pic but it's one of the dishes which I had in Feb in Derby

It was snowing & the weather was cold. The windows of the hopper bus seemed translucent due to the low temperature & the person sitting next to me wiped the materialized droplets of water which obscured us from seeing the legendary Royal Derby Hospital (RDH) as we arrived into the main entrance for the first time. As I could see the buildings clearly, I said to myself, "Wow, I'm going to be here for a long time". It was a bittersweet feeling at that moment; I was excited to spend my time at a new hospital (I am most probably the last Malaysian medic from my year to reach Derby) but it was also a few weeks after I found out I failed 3 exams. Yeah, remember November last year? The results were out in January and it was my biggest challenge to date. 

I realized that I had to go to Derby pretty much on a daily basis (so that's 2-2.5 hours knocked out of my routine just for commuting between the 2 cities) and I hate it..because I can't enjoy Derby as much as I would because I had to worry about May.

And alhamdulillah, with Allah's help, I survived May and made it to Final Year and earned the right to spend 16 weeks in Derby right from June till today! 

I think I'm going to miss Derby. There's the pak cik who always drives the hopper bus and always gives a smile to his passengers (but the pak cik is no longer around since last week so it's easier for me to move on now, lol). I'm going to miss the halal chicken served at its rooftop restaurant. I'm going to miss the shortcuts that I've learnt, the swimming pool that I went to for my Special Study Module, the friendly doctors/staff, the unplanned trips to Westfield to get a Cookieshake after a long/tiring/happy/sad/stressed day at RDH, the early morning chat with Syakir on the hopper bus.

Going to miss the halal chicken dishes

Probably I'm going to miss Derby because it's the place where I departed from before I said goodbye to Faiz Khalid, Aiman Ismail and Akmal Aliff. Oh my God! I just realized I left my padlock on the locker back in RDH! Seriously, I just thought about this as I'm writing this post. Okay, I'm making a mental note to myself to give the key to Syakir (since he's in Derby for the next attachment) so he can get my padlock for me. Tolong ek Syakir. Now back to my original train of thought - So yeah, the locker. I stuffed my Crumpler bag with my EOS 550D, my bags with clothes when I arrived in the morning and took them out later when I'm done for the day to get to Liverpool and London to say goodbye. I think I'm going to miss the locker now. So many memories.

People have to move on. This includes me. The people that I've said goodbye to; they shall become the reason for me to be stronger. And Derby, thanks for the memories. It's time to get serious...