against all odds

Today, I can officially say,

"Hello, my name's Wafi Ramli and I'm a Final Year Medical student"

Just being able to say it is just so surreal. It's such a wonderful feeling (^^,)

This has been on my whiteboard since January till May. It was my motto during my fall.

The Story

"Against all odds, Adlan Wafi is still alive. Wafi should be relieved, but now there are whispers of a rebellion against the Capitol (Medical School) - a rebellion that Wafi may have helped create.

As the nation watches Wafi, the stakes are higher than ever. One false move and the consequences will be unimaginable."

It feels like a huge boulder which I have been carrying since the 4th of January has been lifted off my back. 7 exams.. who would've thought I'd make it through. I made it, I survived May #PrayForMay 

The Journey

I have to admit, it wasn't easy studying from January till May. I sort of prevented myself from meeting my friends, avoided social activities, promised myself not to go travelling anywhere during my holiday. I guess these are all the punishments that I set for myself, for failing 75 credits and for being 5 credits away from suspension.

I was pretty selfish, haha. I had to prioritise my studying time on top of most things. Thankfully I have friends who were supportive but I also have some people who just wouldn't understand. 

The OCD

I've always had these obsessions in my mind since the day I learned my Nov results: 

"What if I had to be suspended and be left behind?", 

"What if I had to graduate a year later?" 

These thoughts kept recurring in my mind to be honest and the following thoughts commenced; 

"How do I extend my visa?", 

"Will MARA lengthen my period of study?", 

"Will they still give me allowance?",

"What work will I be doing in the period of 1 year?"

"Should I apply for work now?"

"Nanti diorang graduate without me"

And I actually applied for a job (part-time) just to be safe. It's sad. These are some of the things which I bet you didn't think that I actually have gone through.

When there are obsessions, there are compulsions:

I would be pacing in my room from minutes up to an hour the most (1 hour max because I still conscious of the fact that I need to study). 

I would be staring outside of my window when I got tired of pacing. When I was no longer tired, I would continue pacing.

Hmm.. writing these down made me think that I might actually have experienced some mild form of OCD & should probably have filled in the extenuating circumstances form.

Tapi dah pass and I don't have these thoughts anymore :)

The Push

I was pretty depressed throughout the process leading up to May. But my cheerful face doesn't seem to portray the feelings that I contained.

Did you know what gave me the push?

To learn that there are others who were in the same position as I was.

It was on a fateful day that I learned a friend of mine in my year actually failed the exact assessments as I did. It's not to make me feel that I'm not the worst person in my year but rather it made me feel that I'm not alone.

That's all that I need to tell myself. That I'm not alone as a few people also experienced the hindrances that I faced. And if they can make it through, why shouldn't I? I mean, these people were pretty optimistic so it was inspiring for me to see them being so uplifted during the months leading up to May. That gave me the drive to continue to strive.

Yeah, just to remind myself that if they can do it, I should be able to do it too.

The Exam Week 13.5.13

I just want to say thank you to everyone from mian who came to the library during the critical period. I really need you guys to ask me questions like crazy. 

The Wednesday

It was the worst exam experience ever. I had 3 exams on that day beginning with Obs and Gynae (resit) in the morning, followed by Psychiatry and Healthcare of the Elderly in the afternoon.

Or in other words which I explained to my family, "Dari orang mengandung ke orang sakit mental ke orang tua"

And when my Dad asked me, "Camne Wafi buat tu?"

I said "Entah" cause it's unbelievable I made it through the day.

I promised myself that I'm not going to forget that day & going to imprint the memory and relive the feelings whenever I doubt myself in the future. Cause it was the most inspirational moment in the exam week.

The Doa and Wishes

It was on Wednesday morning that I began telling myself that I made a mistake for resitting Obs and Gynae in May. That I should do something to postpone my exams.

Then I realized the power of doa. I need my friends to pray for me. 

And so I put up this status on FB because I really need people's support ESPECIALLY on that Wednesday. Thank you everyone for your doa, wishes and support :)

The 1 Month Holiday

I could actually do all of these but I didn't:

Study for Paeds - I didn't study that much because I know I'm the only one from mian who had to study and knowing this made me upset so I spent a lot of time with my family while I can during the holiday.

Apply for electives - In the back of my mind, there's always this voice telling me that there is a chance that I might fail Obs and Gynae again. So yeah, I didn't do much research on this part.

Study for MDD (Musculoskeletal Disorders and Disability) - I received an email saying that I had to revise during the holiday?? Gilo. I didn't even open the file because again, I don't even know I would make it into Final Year.

Instead of these 3 things, I actually spent a lot of time with my family and friends :)

And of course, food. I had Nasi Lemak almost everyday, no kidding!

The Day of Revelation

14.6.13

Kau seriously ingat aku akan bukak 7 pdf files? No way. Last time I did that, I got 3 Reds (failed assessments). So I had to ask someone who would open them up for me. Obviously it would be Faiz Khalid.

Firstly, these were his text messages which he sent after checking my results for me:

Cuba teka apa perasaan lepas tu? 

Terus tak nak bukak. Because Mak Su has invited us to go out for dinner and I didn't want to dine out in a somber mood. So, I decided to check when I get back home but he sent me a text message a few minutes later after the one above:

And I asked him directly if I actually passed ALL?

In which he replied: 

"U passed all!"

I dropped to the floor in disbelief. Then confetti started coming down from the ceiling, spotlights on me and the victory song was played out loud. If you wanna know how my reaction was, it's practically like how Jessica Robinson found out she became the first person to win 1 million dollars on Deal or No Deal (US).

I thanked Allah first and foremost. After a few minutes when I have came to my senses I checked the 7 pdf files quickly and found out I got 3 Greens (Distinctions) out of the 7. How cool is that! Alhamdulillah, I got Distinction for the Obs and Gynae Skills and Double Distinctions for Double Exams of Specials. Budak yang fail dapat Distinction. Take that Medical School!! 

The Happy Ending

Allah gave me my happy ending. I found my silver linings, alhamdulillah. It was the best possible outcome :)

My Story

I once told Amir Fikri that me failing my exams is the most difficult challenge in my life thus far and no one would want to make a film/novel about me since it's so boring. Then, I rethought about what I said, realizing how foolish I was for saying that and took them back commenting that it's good that this was my biggest challenge in life because I don't think I could survive something worse. Naudzubillah hi mindzalik. These challenges that we face in our lives are designed specifically for us to make us stronger, for us to learn and be better in the future. Allah is indeed the best planner.

And my story may not be as inspiring as John Nash with schizophrenia, Aya Kito who had spinocerebellar degeneration or Michael Oher with his struggles in life and eventually becoming an NFL player for the Baltimore Ravens. But it's inspiring enough for me to make me feel grateful for everything that I have in life. I will remember this for the rest of my life, inshaAllah.

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday, that's guaranteed. And I can't begin to explain that or the craziness inside myself and everybody else, but guess what? Sunday is my favorite day again. I think of everything everyone did for me and I feel like..a very lucky guy!"

I am fortunate to have my Mum and Dad who love me so much, my family who never stops giving support in any challenges that I faced, my friends who were crazy enough to believe in me, my teachers who are still praying for me since KMB, my readers who keep wishing me the very best and a lot of people who simply want me to do well.

So thank you Allah for giving them to me...

figure 8

You know how much I love you

Infinity

Well, infinity times infinity

8 is the symbol used to depict infinity. It's probably the figure that can best describe what is going to happen on the Day of Revelation..because I have no idea what is destined for me in the future; but my decisions thereon is going to be based on the outcome of the day. And indeed, Allah knows best.

*This post is just about me, hence the title of the blog - being me. So, if you're looking for something worthwhile, this is probably not the one to be read. 

 These are what me, Syakir, Iman, Aida and Fatimah originally meant to face in May

What Hosni, Madihah & Arina had to attempt at the same time

Because of what happened in November, this is my revised exam timetable. There's only 1 row which is not highlighted. 

8 is the number of pdf files that I have to open on the Day of Revelation.

Sure, technically I only have to open 7 pdf files since I already know the result for 1 of them but I still need to check it to find out where I stand in terms of my ranking since Nov has really pulled me down. I just noticed that I was the fourth to last person in one of the assessments in Nov.

Let's make it easier by listing down the possible outcomes on the Day of Revelation:

1. Happy Ending

This would mean I pass all 7 exams. I enter 5th Year on Monday next week. I only have one resit left - Paediatrics Knowledge in Nov 2013. I have my elective period fully intact. I will graduate in 2014. 

InshaAllah biiznillah

2. Additional penalties

This would mean I have additional number of failures from the modules of this semester:

Psychiatry - Knowledge and Skills

Healthcare of the Elderly - Knowledge

Specials - Knowledge and Skills

Any of these 5 exams can be detrimental because additional number of resits in November 2013 can be burdening since I already have one 25 credit assessment (Paeds) waiting and the Situational Judgment Test coming up in Dec 2013 & Finals in Feb 2014.

3. Relive the horror

A second failure of the Obs and Gynae module. Which means 1 failure away from being kicked out of medical school. Which means reduction in the number of weeks from the elective period. Which means having to study this module all over again.

I was crazy to take the 50 credit module at the same time with these already mentally-challenging 3 new modules.

4. Suspension

To make it into 5th Year, I need to pass at least 100 credits. Failure to meet this condition will result into a suspension for a period of 1 year. This is more or less equivalent to the "repeat year" which you heard every now and then from other medical students. 

Well, it's not really "repeat year" in Nottingham. You would be suspended and during that period of waiting you have to study for the modules that you've failed whilst you watch your peers moving onto their Final Year. Every medical school has its own shenanigans. This is Nottingham's.

Yeah, when I asked you to pray that "no one gets left behind", I was referring to me. Because I know everyone from my group - Iman, Syakir, Aida and Fatimah already have enough credits to enter 5th Year. And the situation is similar with the other people from the other group - Madihah and Hosni. Well, I do know that some of them failed one assessment but it's very unlikely they're going to screw it up, thus making me the only one vulnerable.

I took 2 resits.

I had triple exams in one day for 3 different modules.

I was unable to say, "Yeay, satu je OSCE sem ni!".

5. Alternative career

I don't want to write about this but it has been in my mind since the 4th of January. They kept recurring intermittently. They're sort of like mild obsessions.

Lastly, I just want to address the people who judged me throughout my experience. 

If you never failed any exams,

If you never had to resit at the same time as your first-sit exams,

If you never had any incidents that put you on the verge of losing your career, 

I don't think you have the right to judge me.

And wearing waistcoats and putting on my transitions glasses and eating tubs of ice cream and calling my friends on my phone whenever I want to and dressing smartly and buying KFC for my housemates and other things that I did/do actually make me feel better. So why can't you just let me be happy?

It's not like I was doing anything illegal/wrong/immoral. No, you wouldn't understand. Period.

I currently have 0 number of modules which I passed. 

Do you know how that feels? 

Thought so...