give your heart a break

..cause I do think I need it~

Yesterday, I Skyped home to show my little brother some snow because I didn't think I showed him any since I came to the UK O_o

And it was delightful to see that he still does this repetitive finger grasping movements towards the clump of snow that I was holding (during the Skype call). He would usually do this particular movement whenever he wanted to get a hold of something when he was a toddler. Little that I know that he does it even until now. You might not know this, but I do like doing certain things just because I want to remember either consciously or unconsciously a certain individual. It was during the National Conference in November last year that I realized that I was doing this movement (though my brother would use both of his hands, I would only use one) when I tried to call out to my friends. I was pretty busy at that time since I was handling the conference so I had to get the attention of a lot of people and that's when I started doing it. 

I'm allowed to play with the snow outside okay..

Anecdotes aside, let's move on to the main topic of today's post. Due to my current circumstance, I have to work even harder than before. I mean, I just failed 100 credits (I'm not sure if I had failed 75 or 100 credits since I have 2 modules worth 50 credits each and 4 exams in total. So I just went with the bigger number so that I won't be playing around for the resit). 

My resits will be at the same time with the 3 new modules that I'm taking this semester, worth 80 credits in total. I am deciding to defer one exam, most probably Paediatrics Knowledge to November after listening to the opinions of my peers on morning is at noon (our secret group). So technically, I am sitting for exams worth 130 credits (80 + 50 [failed]) on the week commencing the 13th of May 2012. So yeah, crazy stuff.

Hence, it is only logical that I should reduce the tasks that I currently have.

First, I said goodbye to my cool Psychiatry supervisor by telling him that I won't be able to conduct the research anymore. Next, I considered quitting the role as Barnardo's Independent Visitor but that wouldn't be fair for the child that I'm visiting. Well, I went to see him yesterday and he said that he thinks he no longer needs an Independent Visitor :O Did someone tell him that I failed my exams? Haha, I think Allah's plan is just tooooo perfect. He said that he is now in a stable environment (he has moved to a new foster home) and happy with the people around him; which I am definitely pleased to hear as well. I've been meeting him since last year and happy to see that he is now so optimistic about the future. So yeah, I'm gonna email my coordinator saying that the child is pleased with his new place and I can just focus on my medical life.

Plus, in March/April, my positions as the Secretary for IMAM (Islamic Medical Association of Malaysia) and an unnamed post for EMSY (a super cool secret organization) will finally come to an end. Just realized that I've been holding both of these positions for the past 2 years; with the latter having a bigger workload. Hopefully, I will be less stressful and more focused on passing 130 credits worth of exams. Gulp.

I also won't be going anywhere for Easter holidays. Cause I want to use all the time that I have to focus on my exams + resits. 

Furthermore, to the people I care, I'm sorry but you're probably not going to see me that much after this. For me to continue staying in the UK and for me to help the ummah, I have to survive this battle first. But when I win it, we'll meet up okay!

I have to work my hardest. I have to do everything I can and if I stay positive, I have a shot at a silver lining, inshaAllah...

don't dream it's over

I planned to write this post before the revelation but I couldn't think of what to be written. Now that almost 24 hours have passed since the revelation, I think I'm ready to write something down. After all, this was what my Dad said on the phone just now, "Wafi kalau nak tweet, tweet je. Kalau nak blog, blog je macam biasa. Tak payah malu." At first, I thought he wanted me to stop tweeting silly stuff or reduce my writing on being me. It's the opposite actually, haha and apparently, my Dad completely knows about my online social life. So yeah, I'm wrting this now because you asked me to..

wilted flowers

by

Adlan Wafi

So yeah, I called my Mum and Dad this morning particularly because calling them yesterday would mean calling them at night in Malaysia. And I'm not telling them something pleasant. Hence, the reason for the delay. 

My Mum answered the phone and I made sure she wasn't doing anything. She can sort of tell what I'm about to say. Then I said it in one go, "Mak, Wafi fail 3 exam". She kept saying the word "takpe" for so many times that I couldn't recall how long it was. She was trying to console me by telling me that it's fine. She reminded me that "Allah uji kita sebab dia tahu kita tahan". 

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity..."

(Al-Baqarah, 2:286)

She said it is better for me to suffer now rather than in the future, that I'm going to deal with people's lives in the future. So, it's okay to fail now. She also said that my life journey has been smooth and this is probably the first time I faced with a difficulty in academic terms. 

Then, it was time for my Dad to take over the phone conversation. He mentioned about hikmah. He basically talked about 22:73 about flies which you can happily read here and also about cattle of how Allah submits them to us for our use which is described in 36:71-72 and 43:12-13. He also said that he doesn't mind of what I want to become, an engineer, an accountant, a doctor etc. He just wants me to reach my dream, whatever it may be. But first and foremost, a servant to Allah.

He also told me that he kept bringing his iPad around with him yesterday waiting for my Facetime call. It reminded me of a character from a TV series whom is a father who kept bringing his son's picture around when his son went to war. Well, I'm not going to war but this is my battle.

"It's a different ball game now"

Ayah, 5th of January 2013

That's true Ayah. I'm going to focus and I'm surely not giving up.

And then I talked to my Mum again, in which she wants me to know that I don't have to worry about them. I just have to take care of myself. 

That was it. It was such a long phone call with so many reminiscences of the past by my mum and dad which include:

- how everything went well for UPSR, PMR, SPM, IB

- how I got my choice of university

- that there's a reason why I was involved in a car crash by the age of 20

- about my bestfriends O_o and my social support

- about how I usually cried when I was little and Dad would ask me to smile at the end of our conversation

That's true Mak, "there's a reason for everything".

To all my friends who talked to me since yesterday, thank you for all your support and prayers. I've been talking to friends who are already doctors, doing a PhD, peers and even my housemates. Received some tweets, Viber messages, Whatsapp..you name it, I got it. I know I told you guys to keep it low but with this published blog post, you no longer need to keep it as a secret.

I'll be fine inshaAllah. After all, I do smile a lot. And this hindrance is just going to make me stronger. I will stay strong Mak.

That's all for now. I shall end this post with a quote from Tariq Ramadan, "And remember, don't forget to tell the people you love that you love them". Cause that's exactly what my Dad did before he said goodbye...