you keep me hangin' on

Today marks the beginning of a new phase in my university life - the Clinical Phase!

 Your Smartcard is yours for life

I have always considered The University of Nottingham as the university of 2nd chances.

Why?

For starters, the results from our 1st to half of 3rd year do not contribute to our medical degree, BMBS whereas in most other universities, the degree is based upon the results right from the very first assessment in the 1st year. So if I struggled in my first year (in which I did), I would still have another chance of improving the likelihood of me getting a first class degree if I scored better in the following year.

And my 3rd year contributes 60% to my first degree, BMedSci and if I do really well, that's going to help me in covering up my flaws in the first 2 years.

So you see, I have so many chances of redeeming myself but thus far, it hasn't really gone my way.

Truth be told and being me, of course I have been targeting a 1st for my BMedSci. The good news is my average is improving as I progress (my 1st year result is horrible but my 2nd year is much more commendable). But as a realistic optimist, I know that it's unlikely that I would obtain a first class honours for my first degree. This is not giving up. This is being realistic. 

Giving someone a false hope is bad enough but to give yourself a false hope is even worse.

That's why I need to brace myself for the worst, that I will fail to get what I wanted and I am ready for that already.

The 1st revelation of my 3rd year results on the 13th of February implied that I may not get what I want and I'm okay with that. I no longer have to worry about my upcoming results despite the fact that there will be 2 more revelations (March and July)..cause I know that the probability of me getting high is low. I'm not going to put my hopes up high again (like what I did last year).

Allah has set me free from my worrisome :)

The reason why I wanted a 1st for my first degree was so that I would be more appealing to my future employers. Now that I know that's unlikely to happen, I'm just going to focus on my 2nd degree..the real one; BMBS - Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery.

And this degree starts now.

Here's to new beginnings and second chances! 

Who says I'm giving up? I just found a new direction...

...baby one more time

Do you have a passion for something?

Yes? Good.

My next question is..

How far would you go to realize your dream?

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been suffering from my long term denial since May 2011. It's apparent that I shall never reach the Acceptance stage. I didn't get Psychiatry for my 3rd Year project. Hence, the only thing to do is to find a way to redeem myself. 

And guess what?

I got it. Allah gave me a chance.

I was given the opportunity to conduct a research in Psychiatry whilst in Clinical Phase. In addition, it won't be that stressful since I don't have deadlines, no taught courses along the way, no pressure in my opinion. I don't even think the research would be assessed. Cause I'm doing this purely out of interest. 

I've developed the interest in Psychiatry ever since my first encounter with the module BHS (Behavioural Sciences). It was simply mesmerizing when I learned about this field of Medicine. Absolutely delightful!

And you know what? My subconscious had been trying to tell me about my inner conflicts right from the start. Just look at these pictures..

Every year, I would change the colour of my NLE (a website for Medical students in Nottingham). It just so happened that I chose green in 2011.

And this is my 3rd year timetable

And this is my new favourite drink

 The only highlighter that I chose to put into my pencil case. Yeah, I decide which highlighter that gets to go with me annually. Like I care what you think of me.

And if you've received an email from me, I'm sure you'd get this signature. Just realized that my mailbox theme is also green in colour.

And this is the colour of the walls around the Division of Psychiatry in QMC, Nottingham..

 :O

Denial!

No wonder I've been having a hard time throughout the last 9 months~

Nevertheless, I am truly considering Psychiatry to be a possible future career especially with everything that happened lately. Truth be told, the only reason holding me back from making Psychiatry as my prime choice of specialty is the need for it in addition to people's stereotypes. It is important to note that Psychiatry is the 3rd choice of specialty which has recently been added into my personal list last year. As I was saying, the things that are holding me back are:

1. The need for it

Of course it's needed. I didn't say it's not needed but to how far is it of real urgency? (I tend to use a lot of rhetorical questions in my writing. Jadi, jangan gedik nak jawab :P)

2. Stereotype

Seriously, I think the way people (Medic students) look at those who have interest in Psychiatry (me) is like how the general public looks at people with mental illness. Stop giving me those looks!

Oh yeah, I also have an interest in surgery and as far as I know, I haven't seen a psychiatrist holding a scalpel.

And it was destined that I came across these two articles; the timing is just splendid. One is stating that Malaysia needs more psychiatrists (now don't give me that judgmental look just because I read Utusan..just how shallow can you be?) and another is an article written by a Medical student about the importance of Psychiatry.

Ok, back to my research. So I got an email today from Dr Stuart (my new supervisor and he's actually our CP2 or Year 4 Coordinator) asking me to start thinking of the direction of my project; and I'm just so excited right now. It has been 7 days since I met him in which he asked me to have a think as to whether I really want to conduct this research. A week has passed and my answer is yes!

Syakir asked me if I'm really up for it especially because we had just completed the Honours Year Project. It hasn't even been a month since we submitted our dissertations. Well, I'm ready to undertake a new project and this time, in my field of interest.

In my opinion, if we have passion, I don't think it would be burdening for us to strive for our goals. It's because you like it and you enjoy doing it. So, what more do you need?

Which brings me to my next point..

..when we have so much passion for something, we'd surely go for it. But when we're talking about attaining mardhatillah, how far would we go to get it?

That's all for now & that's all from me...